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15 years 4 months ago #8920 by FencerMan
This shoots all my manhood out the window, but here goes...lol

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

He said..I don't know why you wear a bra,you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear pants don't you?

He said..Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said..That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said..What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She said..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Do something.

Either lead, follow, or get out of the way.

'Ted Turner'

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15 years 4 months ago #143903 by Isla
I think I like you, Shaun. :D

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15 years 4 months ago #143911 by chooky
Replied by chooky on topic I dont believe im posting this....
:D:D:D

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15 years 4 months ago #143931 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic I dont believe im posting this....
Oh sooooo true!! LOL ;)

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15 years 4 months ago #143974 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic I dont believe im posting this....
Here you are, to even it up:

Women's Vocabulary

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

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15 years 4 months ago #143975 by Kiwi303
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

You Live and Learn, or you don't Live Long -anon

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15 years 4 months ago #143976 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic I dont believe im posting this....
LOL! That's funny!

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15 years 4 months ago #144047 by organicltd
A very good reason to give up the water!!!!!
Water and Wine Education

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli)
Bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh*t.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine , beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Sh*t

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of sh*t, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t han to drink water and be full of sh*t.

Wine does not make you FAT it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

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