Moving in - The Parents....

Mind you, in saying all this, I have told my kids that I am moving in with them, they are having turns looking after me, the one that gave me the most trouble I will save for last. That's when I will be piddling all over the floor.[^]

When I was young we lived next door to my grandparents, and it was fantastic. My grandad interfered a little bit, but they lived their lives and we lived ours. Mum was by herself and so had babysitters for me on hand, and I spent hours with my grandparents. When grandad died in 1987 nana continued to live by herself until around 1994 when she went into a home, where she lived until she died. Mum visited her everyday in there and it was quite a commitment for her. My nana was a pretty laid back person though, who certainly never interfered. In time i fully intend to do the same thing for my mum, however it won't be in the same house! Obviously we were very lucky!

Just so you know that sometimes these things can work out.....

Well my future parents in law want to move in with us, or right beside us and I just feel horrendous about it!!!

What young, newly married couple wants to live right beside their parents? Not me... not anyone I've spoken too that's for sure...
Then they drop jokes about "when we are old, better to be close so you can look after us"...

<gulp>

Sundays

Seems to me that both Swaggie's Mum and SB's inlaws are both going through the same thing. i.e. 'we have just realised things are changing and we don't want you to go!'
SB - don't agree as you and your future hubby need to build your own life together. You could point out that if they make the move now they are already acting as if they are old and need care.
Swaggie you said your parents don't show a lot of interest in your daughter. How old is she? Perhaps you could take her visiting (often and at her worst moments) or just say I have to do x so I'm bringing her round for a couple of hours for you to look after her. This may not be ideal but its a way of helping them to see that living with children isn't easy for oldies and can be tiring. You could also take lots of pictures of the new place especially to show its not near town but indicate that if they were with you it would free you up to do lots of things - e.g they can look after the animals so you can work or go on holiday etc. In other words, don't just raise objections but try to find practical ways of helping them see what it might be like. Your aim would be that if they insist on moving too, life nearby but not with you would be the best option. And at the very least, leave it to them to organise selling their current place and making the move as the effort might prove too much.
We had to move my parents to a home quite suddenly due to health problems. But there was no home in their township that could take both of them. So with their approval they agreed to go to a place in the town where my sister lives. Within days they were telling people that we could not wait to get them out of their house so we could sell it etc. It was a hard time and Dad just lay in bed all day facing the wall. He died only 5 months later.

Jeannielea that is incredibly sad for you what has happened with your folks.
Hubby had a parent terminally ill a couple of years back, and some misconceptions arose with the aid of a spiteful family member, time was never appropriate to sort the matter out.
I therefore understand your pain on how things ended, you never get back that time to get back in and "fix" the wrongs, or perceived wrongs, for the better....

My Girl is 9 now and has various school commitments during a normal week, plus her Sat. sports. M & D had been invited to a major one to which M said "it was too far to travel" to watch her.

A couple of trips back we videoed the roads going into our village and coming back out again down to the farm. They sat and watched and said how beautiful and all the nice things people say about a lovely summers day in NZ.

However relating the distance of the sporting event to them as being equivalent to that of what would be necessary to undertake to do shopping etc at the next biggest town, is what sparked the argument last week. I asked how they thought they would cope with the driving etc and its part and parcel of what set Mum off.

personally I don't think she has put any thought into the move at all, just want to "do it".

Their commitment to my Girl as grandparents is not a "non interest", rather best described as an "arm chair" interest, if they have to get out of it, then its a major.
Mum has had her playing with a plastic golf club and ball in the house, but only if she hits the ball towards Mum in the chair.

There isn't much getting up and getting out type play going on, and that is fairly limiting to a kid whose other (RIP) older grandparents used to get out the back and kick a ball around instead, or walk to the beach to dig the sand....

I feel for you Swaggie - that is an incredibly difficult situation.

I am feeling somewhat better since airing the problem with you all, but the burden of feeling that I should be somewhat responsible still remains close by.

Fortunately knowing that my loyalties lay with my Daughter, my Hubby, my myself and our new full time beginnings in NZ (when it happens) remind me exactly what I should and shouldn't be taking on for our continued wellbeing as a family unit.

I just don't have enough stretch in my bow to take on my parents as well. If they cannot undertake a visit to NZ, then I cannot see how they possibly think they can move house.

But boy Parents can really dump on you with expectations, eh!

Get rid of that burden, its nothing compared with what it could be. Of course you love them, keep it that way...

Swaggie, remember that your parents chose to have you... you didnt dump upon them with your dirty naps and frequent feeds...
therefore
you owe them nuffink but the right to lead a good life and to enhance upon it to make the world a better place for the next generation... your own daughter....
so throw that guilt baggie out the door...
I know I couldnt live with my parents nearby for a day, let alone in a strange country...
and now I work in 'resthomes' and see some of the dynamics that go on.. it aint funny.. anyone and anything seems to be so manipulative, instead of cooperative and working together... and if there is one who wishes to be the victim( thats the person who feels that they need to repay) its pretty bad in some circumstances.
I saw lots when working in an ER area, either the dumping by the daughter on a public hol fri evening.. or the sudden pains, and limping limbs if the daughter thought of going out for the evening, and those comments of manipulating control were so funny at times for us just watching... oh and the clutching of the chest was even funnier.
My plans are to depart fast and before loss of independance otherwise if that doesnt happen then a container in the back yard with a table and my recliner[}]

bee dee dont forget the PC

i agree with the rest. my mother's mother lived with us after my grandfather died. my father was very, very good to his m-i-l but,like most of the stories here, she became more and more manipulative and almost caused a split between my parents and did cause a split between my parents and my uncle (mother's brother) and aunt - they had been friends for years.

even all these years later i can still remember, at age about 15, having to step between my uncle and father to stop one or the other taking a swing (and they were the mildest and most easy going of men) - all my grandmother's doing.

i wouldn't have a bar of it

There seems to be a common theme here of people getting more manipulative as they get older. I can see this happening with my own mother (72 and healthy and fit). She has been incredibly generous to us financially (she has the means to do so). But she makes cutting remarks to my husband and then acts like there was nothing wrong with what she has said and claims she adores him. He won't put up with it anymore and won't see her. So I travel by myself to the UK to see her and can't invite her back here to see our wonderful place (which she helped us buy when our house sale didn't bring in quite enough). I'm very sad about it and very torn. I cope with it by reminding myself that my loyalty is with my husband - like Swaggie.

Don't do it Swaggie. I have had a bit of just about everything everyone else has had - from my parents having my Nan for 15 years to my Mum saying she would never move in with me for that reason. And she is brilliant in that she never has GRIN. However, with each year (now 91 and absolutely amazing for her age - still driving and fit as a fiddle) the short term memory loss and emotional blackmail is getting fairly hard to cope with. "I wish I was dead". Me - "How the hell can you wish you were dead when you are taking every herbal medicine known to man to keep you alive?" We do have a weirdly funny relationship where I tease her all the time and instead of getting angry, she giggles.

I love her to bits but sometimes I want to scream at my other three siblings - What about you doing something? I realise Swaggie that you are the only child but please do not become the victim of your parents (mothers) inactivity. We borrow how children, not own them, and we have no right to demand or wheedle our way into having them care for us when we are older (and your parents are YOUNG). You so need to keep a physical distance between you so that what you want to do and do willingly is because you want to! I think others will understand if I say that to have your stomach gnawing with guilt or resentment is no way to live. I am damn lucky that I have been able to say to my Mum that I work full time, have animals to care for, land etc and she has over a period of time realised that I come when I can to take her out from her retirement village and when I do, that day is to do whatever she wants and my time is given lovingly and willingly.

Don't do it Swaggie - they are young enough to be responsible for their own life choices and you need to know that what you can do is done lovingly and willingly. Anything else will be soul destroying.

Thankyou all for sharing what are deeply personal experiences that I know are difficult to repeat and admit publicly..

I appreciate every one of you for sharing your thoughts and showing that my feelings of guilt/aprehension over the whole issue, is shared amongst many and not just a "me" thing. For that you all have my blessings and gratitude! My deepest heartfelt thanks go very much for sharing your posts.

Yesterday was the first 'face to face" visit I have had since the debarcle. They noticed the birthday cards on the dining table for Hubby, made absolutely no mention that they "might have forgotten" it accidently, but made no mention even of its passing. Yet they are quick to ask for his assistance in other areas... I understand your Hubby's stand Foxwell, geese I do!

Anyhow, the regular mugs of coffee were served and we skirted around every issue except the "moving" one. They didn't bitch about their neighbours nor ask what mine were up to. It was polite conversation, but not the personal sort held by those that loved ones share...

I could see Dad that isn't the best. After putting on his shoes to leave, I could see his blood pressure battling with his standing.
I don't understand why my Mother doesn't drive him about, he is afterall 10 years than her and outlived all of his older siblings and parents. Why oh why doesn't she say, give me the keys, I'll drive. She is certainly able... instead she just heads to the passenger door and loads up.

It was polite, but not personal. I don't think it was my fault, I am sure that Dad wasn't in when Mum wrote what she wrote... why then does it become "my" fault and something that I should feel bad about?

Mum continued normally, going out of her way to share a kiss with Bub and me. Why couldn't she say, I am sorry for ..... that was contained in her emails...

Swaggie, Im so close to 70 it doesnt matter, hubby is well past---
We're busy, my kids are busy, I would like them to have more time for us, but then I also know what life is all about.

I
We love & enjoy them when we see them, enjoy hearing about all their adventures etc. BUT I dont want to live the way they do now. We like sleeping in till the sun's up, we like eating what we like, we like the music we like, the TV programmes we like, the food we like etc etc.

I have lots of giggles with my 20 year old granddaughter who doesnt hold back on her comments about the difference in our life & her parents ("nana you & grandad are soooo funny')(are'nt I lucky)

In fact we like being the age we are now, it has lots of benefits, we have lots of knowledge. we keep it to ourselves & enjoy it.

Remember Mum & Dad have had a long life together, they know each other, dont worry about Dad & his BP etc. That is their life---not yours. What they are doing now is the result of a lifetime together & really nothing to do with you.

As you can see I come from both side of the picture. Live your life dont ruin it......