Moving in - The Parents....

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14 years 11 months ago #601 by max2
Mum and Dad are 70 & 80 respectively and want to join us in NZ when we make the move. They also wanted to live very local to us, but have been priced out of most of the local market.
We thought of an option which would see a financial contribution from them as well as us. I was thinking of a Trust set up to protect everyone, but there has been problems with that as well and Mum doesn't want to go down that track, prefers to own her own outright.

They have not visited NZ before, just "know" that they want to be close to us.

During discussions last week, I suggested they visit NZ before selling in NSW, I also discussed driving distances to the shops from our NZ base, and how did they feel about that issue when Mum won't go that far from their current home.

To say Mum hit the roof would be an understatement, and her thoughts and words were less than pleasant, and nothing to do with the actual move.

In fact, I haven't spoken with her since.

As such, I am questioning whether this is the right thing for my immediate family (Hubby and Daughter). I suspect its not.

It was Hubby's birthday last week, and until this year, M & D have always acknowledged it. They didn't this year.

I feel stink over the whole thing.

I don't have any siblings, and my Uncles who feel that M & D should visit first, and who also think that Mum will become very reliant on me to run her about (she can drive, but won't) when Dad dies.
We won't be living nearby in the short term, as we have to build the house first, after getting the necessary permits.

I am leaning now towards thinking that perhaps they would be better of in a retirement option (or at least over 55's, younger people seem to annoy them easily, they abused the last poor child who knocked on their door for trick or treat).

Has anyone faced this issue? How did you sort it?

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  • Toni - Northland
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14 years 11 months ago #47675 by Toni - Northland
Replied by Toni - Northland on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Can you get brochures on retirement type villages near to you. They have so many activities going on in those places. They are independant as well as looked after. I don't think I could handle it if I was you. You will just have to tell your mum, that if she won't listen to options, there are no options. She obvioulsy isn't listening to other family members either. What a dilemma. Hopefully others will have solutions also. It sounds like you would be a Mums Taxi Service and 'put upon'. What does your husband and daughter say about it?? Do they have any solutions? Come on people, options for swaggie.:)

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14 years 11 months ago #47676 by moggy
Replied by moggy on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Parents - who would have em

Listen to what your gut feeling is telling you and don't be pressurised into something you don't want to.

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14 years 11 months ago #47680 by max2
Replied by max2 on topic Moving in - The Parents....
There was a brand new one going in towards Auckland Toni a year or so ago that we organised brochures and contact from the company Rep, but unfortunately the figures the company provided showing what they want to retain from the original lump sum contribution, after death, for "refurbishment" costs was far too high for Mum's liking, as well as the weekly maintenance/care fees.

Its similar to the situations here in NSW as well, to the point that some have been investigated and the Seniors warned that its far too much to outlay.
So Mum being of a financial background, is very wary of that sort of thing.

Sort of lessens the choice a bit eh.:(

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14 years 11 months ago #47682 by beedee
Replied by beedee on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Swaggie, Im going to say that 70 isnt very old and for your mother to go into a cocoon over a small matter of visiting first to check things out.. is one BIG warning.. Being close.. what does that mean.. in built slave/driver/abuse item????
BTW my mother has been willing my father to die for years... cos he is the oldest by 3 yrs.. but they havent realised that we dont take a number when we are born, some folk jump the queue, so maybe your mom will have her 2 am silent infarct and not see the sun come up first..
as for her not driving, is, Im afraid a bit manipulative, thats like saying she wont use a flush toilet...You do have a daughter and hubby to consider... and sorry that this has been added to what is a stressful time for you anyway.
You have two or maybe three options. tie her to a chair with some clothesline rope and tell her how stupid she is... make her come out with what really is bugging her.. or carry on with her reaction and ignore her and do your own thing, as that maybe what she really wants.. not wanting to leave her present lifestyle but feels YOU need her and that she should be going but doesnt really want to

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  • Toni - Northland
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14 years 11 months ago #47684 by Toni - Northland
Replied by Toni - Northland on topic Moving in - The Parents....

quote:Originally posted by beedee

Swaggie, Im going to say that 70 isnt very old and for your mother to go into a cocoon over a small matter of visiting first to check things out.. is one BIG warning.. Being close.. what does that mean.. in built slave/driver/abuse item????
BTW my mother has been willing my father to die for years... cos he is the oldest by 3 yrs.. but they havent realised that we dont take a number when we are born, some folk jump the queue, so maybe your mom will have her 2 am silent infarct and not see the sun come up first..
as for her not driving, is, Im afraid a bit manipulative, thats like saying she wont use a flush toilet...You do have a daughter and hubby to consider... and sorry that this has been added to what is a stressful time for you anyway.
You have two or maybe three options. tie her to a chair with some clothesline rope and tell her how stupid she is... make her come out with what really is bugging her.. or carry on with her reaction and ignore her and do your own thing, as that maybe what she really wants.. not wanting to leave her present lifestyle but feels YOU need her and that she should be going but doesnt really want to

Yes, beedee, I feel there is something else behind swaggies mums attitude. Don't let her play guilt games with you. It's a difficult one all the same.

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14 years 11 months ago #47690 by max2
Replied by max2 on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Beedee yes I agree that 70 is too young to start hybinating into old age, even Dad is far more active, but Mum just won't get into anything, and if she doesn't want to go to something, then Dad doesn't get to either.

One of the things that puts her off visiting NZ, is that "Dad might get sick, we take every day as it comes"... so I think, well how can they consider moving then if its really that big an issue. Dad has variable blood pressure, and has good and bad days when he just has to take things quietly.

Yet I can see Dad really getting into the lifestyle and joining up with the golf course and bowls again. Its Mum who is the sticking issue and the reason for my concern, because she just doesn't get into anything here, so I wonder how will she go in NZ then?

she uses Dad's health, various back complaints that she has, eyesight/night time driving issues, any new excuse really not to do something as simple as walking around an oval for exercise (she is putting on weight and the Doc has told her to start exercising, but she says she can't).

You know where I am going with all of this of course and I know then if all of these things are a problem, how can they consider moving, but its getting that into her head if its a problem here, nothing is going to change by shifting across the ditch.

I have considered its her way of trying to keep us all here, but I don't think she is that into her current lifestyle anyhow, and seems keen to make the move.

I dunno, just feel stuck and stink, and just think my loyalties and concerns should be with my immediate family.

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14 years 11 months ago #47693 by la granja
I truly feel for you as I have lived through all of this, my parents decided to come and live in NZ with us because they missed the grand children, can't think why they thought my brother would never marry and have children I do not know. Story is that they arrived, my father died after 7 months, my mother then became the matriarc of the household, nothing I or anyone else would tell her made any impact, she started discipling my children in ways hubby and I did not approve, started shifting furniture around, in other words she made it her own nest and disregarded anyone else. After around 8 years I separated, gave my mother choices, flat of her own and I would help her financially, live with my ex who she adored and still adores, live with a friend who offered her a room in her house or go back and live with my brother. She took the flat option without any help from me, after a few months she told me she should have done that whe she arrived in NZ, now she is not able to look after herself and decided to go into a rest home as she does not like living in the country.
3 generations in one houselhold bring a lot of disruption, a lot of good times as well, but I would not do it again. Think very carefully before deciding on what to do, I was forever torn between husband and children and parents. It is a hard one.

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14 years 11 months ago #47695 by max2
Replied by max2 on topic Moving in - The Parents....

quote:Originally posted by la granja

my parents decided to come and live in NZ with us because they missed the grand children

Its exactly why Mum says she wants to come across, but the odd thing is, they really don't see Bub that much anyhow, and there is certainly no independent grandparenting from them.

She might go to the pictures twice a year if she is asked. Other friends parents seem to have the grandkids constantly around in the school holidays for visits or trips about.

I just cannot understand any of it, and why its even an issue really. However that is what Mum claims it's all about. The Grandchild.

I certainly won't be entertaining the idea of having her in the same home as us though, saw them go through that with my Nan for a while and it wasn't pleasant for any of us. She eventually went into a retirement home which really wasn't the ideal place either. A bit depressing actually.

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14 years 11 months ago #47696 by reggit
Replied by reggit on topic Moving in - The Parents....
We went through this too when I was a kid, my grandmother (mum's mum) moved with the family from the UK to here, she never settled in, always yearning for the 'home country' and what it would have been like if she stayed, and it turned into a massive power struggle (for want of a better word) between her and mum as to who was my 'parent'! Resulted in problems for me (depression etc) being in the resultant atmosphere and trying to please both, and nearly drove my mother to the wall!

We are starting to go through the same scenario with my hubby's mum, she has been telling us for 10 years that her husband is on his last legs, using the guilt card and basically playing one child off against the other. Very nasty scenario, and I dread what will happen when her husband does go eventually, as my hubby is the only child without his own offspring and there seems to be hints that because of this, he will have to take care of her...to which I reply (keeping in mind my own childhood experiences) not under my roof!!

As others have said, your daughter has to come first in all of this, and then you also have to look after your own emotional well-being. Older folk can be incredibly manipulative, and looks like she is starting down this path already. As for your hubby, he'll probably avoid being caught up in all of it, as mums tend to lean on their daughters, not their son-in-laws, and also seem to try it on with them a lot more!

Take a break...while I take care of your home, your block, your pets, your stock! [;)] PM me...

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14 years 11 months ago #47707 by grannie Mary
We did it. Gave me 2 heart attacks. Then cancer. Leave well alone, its unbelievable just how manipulative they can get. Fortunately we managed to hold our marriage together. I was abused every time I visited friends, my grandchildren were her enemies, because I gave them attention -naturally! There was NOTHING that I did for her that was right. the only good thing that came out of it was when she died at 98 I really got to know Dad, he was a different man.without her.
Protect yourself, hubby & children. Live your life, shes done what she wanted ....do you really want to do what she wants???

Mary

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble,
It empties today of its strength."

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14 years 11 months ago #47710 by SusanB
Replied by SusanB on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Swaggie we had my Mum's mum living in a flat attached to our house when I was a teenager. It caused Mum no end of stress as Granny was strong willed, dominating and manipulative. Granny would demand Mum drove into town to get her something minor, 5 minutes after Mum returned from the shops. My Mum suffered from low self esteem and nearly went nuts, we just started staying out late until the dust settled (being supportive teens?!). Dad was vilified by Gran to the point all the rellies thought he was a bully to a 'defenceless old lady' when he put his foot down about her demands, in support of Mum. The extended family blew apart after Grannies death, with a great deal of unresolved bitterness. We did all sort it out years later, but Mum suffered deeply.

Similar situation happened with my mother in law, except she ended up being put into a home for less independent oldies, after living with a son and DIL for 8 years. We are still working on getting his family back together, and it is hard work.

Dad has said he will never move in with one of us. He would rather spend the money on one of those managed places and leave us less in his will, but leave us all in peace with each other. Mum died of cancer 7 years ago.

Could you try a family conference to try and keep your Mum from getting personal? Sounds like she is afraid of being alone/abandoned/forgotten or being a burden (hence the agressive reaction when you brought up a scenario she might subconsciously fear).

12 Acres, a few horses and cattle in the western Waikato

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14 years 11 months ago #47711 by reggit
Replied by reggit on topic Moving in - The Parents....
I'm so glad it wasn't just me who feels this way! [:I] My mum and dad have always said they would never move in with us because of what they went through...and in return they know that even if we are living apart, we will still look after them as best we can, without living in each other's pockets.

Take a break...while I take care of your home, your block, your pets, your stock! [;)] PM me...

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14 years 11 months ago #47713 by judes
Replied by judes on topic Moving in - The Parents....
I just cannot understand any of it, and why its even an issue really. However that is what Mum claims it's all about. The Grandchild.

If this is true. How about setting them up with a pc and a video link so they can talk and see their grandchild (msn or others do this). If you do this now so they can learn how it works before you leave. Then when you move they can wait till you get settled before making up their mind about coming over, and they can still keep in touch.
All of the behaviour you have explained sounds very familiar and is manipulative to make you feel rotten. I say carry on with your plans and let them sort themselves out. If they want to come to then that is great but they can do it their own way and separately. This allows you to still help but able to do your own thing. These things are a very individual set of curcumstances and you can only do what you feel is right. It may be the making of them or the breaking of you, good luck.

Jude
Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

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14 years 11 months ago #47717 by max2
Replied by max2 on topic Moving in - The Parents....
Many thanks everyone for your thoughts and experiences, some of which we went through too with my Nan (Mum's mum) and so why this all comes as a surprise to me as she was always clear that she would not go down the same track [}:)].

I remember when I was a kid at home, Dad got the washing in one afternoon and put it on a clothes airer to finish off inside. Nan moved it three inches. Dad moved it back. Nan got up and moved it again... so on and so on, until Mum came home and Nan put on a hissy fit at Dad so all Mum heard walking in was Dad yelling at Nan and then it was on for young and old between Dad and Mum... you all get my drift from experiencing similar I am absolutely sure.

Anyhow a couple of months ago I set them up on broadband, after they had use of my spare computer on dial up, and they really enjoy it.

It was actually via the computer that she sent me the dreadful thoughts, I suspect whilst Dad was at golf. Although he was soon told about it when he walked in because of an issue that was raised that I dissagreed with.

This was after I sent her two NZ real estate links of properties for sale in the area.... that is what set it all off.

My gut feeling is that if I let them stay any closer than the local village it will affect my family and I am not prepared to upset our lives for anyone.
But I do feel stink over the whole issue. Its not how its "supposed to be".

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