Banking.

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8 years 2 weeks ago #37753 by Doug
Banking. was created by Doug
Seniors Banking....

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old.
The bank manager had a sense of humor and thought it amusing enough to have it published.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight measly years.

You are to be commended for seizing that quite brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the great inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate to receive my funds.

Be aware that it is a SERIOUS OFFENSE under the Postal Services Act for any other person to open such an envelope!

Please find attached an Approved Contact Application which I require your chosen employee to complete.

Regrettably it runs to eighteen pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof, for my approval, BEFORE this verified payments arrangement can commence.

In due course, and at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all financial dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your secure phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further, namely:

When you call me, press phone buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, another secure password to access my computer is required.

This Security Password will be communicated to you by registered mail at a later date to that Authorized Contact Person mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting classical music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy a monthly establishment fee of $20 to cover the setting up of this new financial services arrangement. Furthermore, should this fee remain unpaid by the end of each month, a further $10 PENALTY will accrue for each month that the payment has not been received in a timely fashion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us!

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8 years 2 weeks ago #488463 by terralee
Replied by terralee on topic Banking.
Might send that to Telecom [;)]
Cheers

Leonie & Zoo!!! :silly: :woohoo:

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