friday funny

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband

cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive

is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on

its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple e asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex

with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what

about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Gidday

Bloody goodun. You got me.

The magic of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

that is the funniest thing I have seen in ages, cheers for that

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year. And every year, Morris would say, "Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Ester always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
A few years later, when Ester and Morris again went to the fair, Morris said "Ester, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I might never get another chance".
Ester replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But, if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Ester agreed - and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres , but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word. When they landed the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Ester fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars!".

"The Lie-Clock"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Hahahahaahahhahahhahahahahhahahaaha!!!!

I imagine Tony Blair's is in the next office down. [}]

Love it

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

quote:Originally posted by Kate
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Like that one!

Baked Stuffed Chicken

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ? imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.

---

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Last Moment Gift

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named
Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man
asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop
owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then
Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,
as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then
moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy
Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered,
eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of
his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."