A Sad Day

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10 years 1 week ago #32043 by daerfamily
A Sad Day was created by daerfamily
Today my friend farewells her best friend and husband, the man who went down in the helicopter crash in Sumner 4 weeks ago today.

He leaves behind twin 2 1/2 year old boys and a 9 month old baby girl.

I have no words to give her, what should I say!?

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10 years 1 week ago #428724 by Seaside
Replied by Seaside on topic A Sad Day
That's so sad DF. I don't know what to suggest to say, but if you can show her that you're there to help - not just today but in the coming years when life will be hard for her - then that's a start. Taking meals for her freezer, offering to look after their children when she goes shopping or has an appointment, keeping her company, texting her every so often to say you're thinking of her and does she need anything. That sort of thing.

Kids, beasts, and chillies in Swannanoa South.
www.farmaway.co.nz

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10 years 1 week ago #428726 by Cinsara
Replied by Cinsara on topic A Sad Day
O....M......G, that poor woman and those kiddies who will never know their dad. I vote for keeping her company but what ever you do don't say the cliche things like time heals, everything will be ok etc etc etc. Be honest, tell her it will hurt like hell and if she does ask if it gets easier, tell her the pain becomes less intense therefore more bearable, and tell her love never dies xoxo

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10 years 1 week ago #428754 by ZummersetGirl
Replied by ZummersetGirl on topic A Sad Day
Hi DF. As as nurse I have experience of sudden death and what you can offer your friend is an ear when she needs it. Many people get fed up of hearing the bereaved talking about their loved esp. as it can go on for many months after the funeral. Cinsara is right - time doesn't heal; it just enables the bereaved to find a way to cope. Don't be afraid/embarassed to talk about her husband - even if it makes her cry - as it acknowledges his existence. Be led by her body language. Buying gift vouchers - rather than giving her money - if she is having money troubles is a less obvious way of helping out. Having 3children under 3 years old is a strain when you have both parents - buying disposable nap pies or going round at the children's bedtime and offering to help get them ready for bed (and staying of a coffee or wine when the children have gone to sleep to have a chat about how the day has gone) may be an idea of how to help. Remember her wedding anniversary - it acknowledges she was married and was loved. Don't forget to give yourself time to grieve and to take care of yourself - in order that you will be able to help if needed. My thoughs will be with you and If I can help in any way please let me know.

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10 years 1 week ago #428763 by Simkin
Replied by Simkin on topic A Sad Day
I can tell you what not to say - don't tell her about all the other cases you may know of where a beloved husband/partner died.

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10 years 1 week ago #428771 by trixie
Replied by trixie on topic A Sad Day
Hi - I think lots of hugs say much more than words. If she cries, just let her. People try to cover their own discomfort when others cry by trying to stop them. Later, if you have known them for a while, go back through your photos and get copies of ones with them in them and make a little album for her.

Not knowing the circumstances but if possible, a group of friends could say each Tuesday 1-4 and Friday 10-2 one of us will be here to do whatever you need and you could work out a roster.

There is nothing you can say that will make it any better for now - Sorry.

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10 years 1 week ago #428799 by billmckinstry
Replied by billmckinstry on topic A Sad Day
:(
Apart from "being there" now, my advice is the real sense of what happened won't hit home until one day when your friend is at a school event where their class mates have both parents attending (as an example)
This is when real long term friends are needed.
Close to the tragedy and up to the funeral, things can get "busy" and emotions don't always have time to take over as much as they can later.

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10 years 1 week ago #428804 by jeannielea
Replied by jeannielea on topic A Sad Day
Don't say things like 'give me a call if you need a hand' as you will never get that call. The advice above about going round, and actually doing practical help will be appreciated. That's alongside all the other 'listening, hugs' type of things which are also great but only half the need..

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10 years 1 week ago #428865 by daerfamily
Replied by daerfamily on topic A Sad Day
Thanks for all your kind words everyone, I have spoken with her briefly, but obviously lots has been going on for her, funeral etc. She is very strong and moving forward slowly. It is a long slow road and I will be there.

To top off the day yesterday I get a phone call from my aunt on the north island telling me my cousin has cancer. Started with a ruptured appendix and has spread to the pancreas/liver. He has to undergo a 12 hour op to 'scrape' the tissue away. He is also a father to 3 young children, oldest is 4 youngest is 'yet to be born' due in August. Scary stuff.

Makes you hold onto your children extra tight each night.

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10 years 6 days ago #428984 by Belle Bosse
Replied by Belle Bosse on topic A Sad Day
DF, it is a difficult one to deal with especially when the person who crashes is a close friend.
Just do what needs to be done to help the widow get through each day, but at the same time respect her need for time to process what she is dealing with. And give yourself some time to process your own grief. Dont forget to take care of yourself at the same time as caring for your friend. Expect the emotions to be unpredictable and all over the place.

Back in 2009 a close friend of ours was in a gyrocopter crash in Taranaki. Both he and his instructor were killed in the crash. My husband was working 10 minutes out of Howera and spent the rest of the day at the Police station as support person for the widow and brought her home.
What can you say? A hug says more than words can. Let her talk, as disjointed as it may be.
I became her support person in the lead up to the funeral. It was tough going!
She asked if I would do the photography for the funeral. The photos were put onto DVD and are treasured.
She had to tend another family crisis so I took on the care of their lifestyle block and livestock and pets and handed over to another friend when we moved up to Auckland. I was totally drained from focusing on keeping my friend afloat.

Im still in contact with my friend even though my life has taken me overseas. She still hasnt "got things together". I dont expect her to.
Each person "heals" at a different rate. Coping mechanisms are different. what makes sence to you may not to her.
Something she treasures is a DVD of photos we put together of the happy times we had spent together. Each photo featured her husband in some way. Bush walks, birthdays, chauffering my wedding, farm work etc.

I just wish I were closer to my younger sister who is now also widowed with 3 young children to raise. My sister had 4 years to accept that she was losing the love of her life. It still doesnt make it any easier!
One of these days when we have our block not so "bare" I'd love to have
my sister and her children and my parents over for a holiday... give the children the father figure they are missing. The youngest was 6 when her father died two yrs ago.

Its not just your children to hold tight... it is everyone you love!
take care and best wishes for the days ahead. Some days will be better than others!

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