do you put terms and conditions on your friendships?

More
12 years 2 months ago #403821 by kai
One thing I didn't mention in the initial posting was that I had called her a few days earlier and said as she couldn't pick them up (she had had a minor accident) I would drop the things off in a few days time, so it was not exactly an unannounced visit and had she asked then, it would have been a completely different situation. With this particular friend there always seems another hoop to jump through which is why I am not particularly tolerant of this last one.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403835 by kaybe

swaggie;399414 wrote: Christmas arrangements this year have centred around ''what are we planning?"' without any thought that perhaps we might like to turn up somewhere and have it done for us for a change.. I just want to sleep in (albeit 30 minutes extra) milk the girls, feed the babies, walk the dogs, feed the chooks and go fishing. Something we usually just haven't time to do, but really want to.... and its christmas. its my family christmas. Why can't my family and i just b*gger off and go fishing with sandwiches or chocolates on board whilst we run out the long line?

You can - when they ask what you are planning, you say 'a quiet day out on our own this year'. If there are objections, suggest a get-together on Boxing Day or Xmas Eve instead. If they have a problem with that - it's their problem, don't make it yours.

Tomorrow is the day I will stop procrastinating.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403837 by kaybe

kai;399429 wrote: One thing I didn't mention in the initial posting was that I had called her a few days earlier and said as she couldn't pick them up (she had had a minor accident) I would drop the things off in a few days time, so it was not exactly an unannounced visit and had she asked then, it would have been a completely different situation. With this particular friend there always seems another hoop to jump through which is why I am not particularly tolerant of this last one.

It does sound like she fits the definition of a 'toxic friend' - someone who, no matter how well-meaning/reasonable they seem, manages to make you feel bad about yourself rather than good. It's probably time to quietly drift away.

Tomorrow is the day I will stop procrastinating.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403841 by DiDi
kai - I think you need to realise that whoever this "alternative" therapist ( who sounds like a total ******), is telling your friend that you are not good for them. If we were allowed to say this out loud, we would probably be wanting to say - ok I can't say it for kates sake - but in layman's terms - no - just know that you are who you are and if your friend is so easily persuaded by someone who obviously doesn't know left from right - then back off.

Remember your friend for who she is and the person you know and care about as I can guarantee she will need friends into the future. Having said that, know that this is your choice and there is only so much that we can give of our hearts and souls to others and sometimes you just make the decision that it is over. You are allowed too!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403847 by kai
I am happy with my decision. I am not going to cut her off entirely, but I will not jump through hoops. She has been a very good friend and there has been many positives. I don't think the therapist is saying I am bad for her, but like Simkin's friend's therapist she is very definitely saying think about yourself, put yourself first, assert yourself. The therapist also seems to play on the friends weaknesses to create dependency which does not seem healthy to me.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403862 by Farmer53
those firends are called frenemys

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403885 by Simkin

kai;399457 wrote: I am happy with my decision. I am not going to cut her off entirely, but I will not jump through hoops. She has been a very good friend and there has been many positives. I don't think the therapist is saying I am bad for her, but like Simkin's friend's therapist she is very definitely saying think about yourself, put yourself first, assert yourself. The therapist also seems to play on the friends weaknesses to create dependency which does not seem healthy to me.

Good decision, Kai. I, too, haven't cut her out, I'm just not contacting her anymore and told her quite directly that having the receiver hung up on me is not on so she'll miss out on a few things but it's her choice.

It started just over 3 years ago and her fortnightly visits have turned into bi-monthly visits which suits me just fine. I also am prepared for those 'requests' what she would like to have and although I usually am very forthcoming (I prefer to offer, though) I have learnt to say 'no'. She recently wanted Black Orpington pullets that had just started to lay - for free, of course, and I said 'no'. Am very proud of myself[^] Oh, and in the past she used to pay me a small amount, just for the feed costs, but not anymore. She just takes it and buggers off. So this has changed, too.

Now, 3 years after she changed, I don't consider her a friend anymore but that happened over time. It takes a while to sink in. But I'm not cutting off all contact as there have been really good times and she might realize that her new way of life isn't taking her happiness level where she wants it to be:(

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403886 by Cinsara

Simkin;399500 wrote: She recently wanted Black Orpington pullets that had just started to lay - for free, of course, and I said 'no'.

I should blardy hope so, I've heard on the grapevine your Orpingtons are quality birds, certainly not freebees!

>

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403995 by Simkin
Thanks, Cinsara
[:I]

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #403999 by SarahM
Gosh Simkin and Cinsara - so they shouldn't be freebies - a person like that isn't a friend at all. Good on you for sticking to your guns. Hopefully your "friend" will get the idea, eventually.

5 acres, husband, daughter, son, me, about 12 sheep and their lambs, currently no ram (yay!), 2 Galloways, about 35 chooks, 3 cats and 2 budgies.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 0.150 seconds