do you put terms and conditions on your friendships?

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10 years 6 months ago #29817 by kai
I Ask because recently I have what I considered unreasonable request made on me from someone I considered a really good friend. It was the complete opposite to how she behaved in our friendship towards me. The way it was asked I felt I was being berated (in public). in summary : she can drop by my place whenever she wants, but if you drop by even just to drop something off I want you text or phone prior (text is not always an option due to coverage, neither is phone, as she is on dialup and leaves it connected most hours of the day))

thoughts please

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10 years 6 months ago #403533 by xevbellringer
Maybe she likes to garden naked - she might be trying to protect you from something scarey :)

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10 years 6 months ago #403534 by Ronney
Do you really need to ask?

I have a good friend of some years standing (who also happens to be a member of this site and was how I met her) and both she and her partner know that they are welcome to drop in when passing in the same way as I know that if I'm passing their place, I would also be welcome. The reservations would be that it might have to be a quick call depending on what was going on in our farming day. And I think that goes for most of the people I know.

The only reason I ask people to let me know they are coming (if they can) is so I can put the dogs away. All of them have the BC tyre eating habit which I can't break them of and that can be stressful for the person driving the vehicle.

Ergo, no conditions on my friendships.

Cheers,
Ronnie

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10 years 6 months ago #403536 by Kiwi303
hmm... does "don't get me arrested if you do something stupid" count as a term, or a condition?

You Live and Learn, or you don't Live Long -anon

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10 years 6 months ago #403556 by kai
thanks guys. Her place is not a LSB, no dogs either, no partner to interrupt intimate moments with etc.
I take the approach with anyone, you are welcome to call in whenever you want, but you take me as you find me and unless it is exceptionally inconvenient at that exact time, I will make you welcome, if I can't I will explain why. And similarly if I visit someone I will ask if they are busy/is it a good time if not I will exchange a few pleasantries, or just give whatever I came to deliver and be off. Everyone I have ever known has been the same. Many do call first if they are travelling a distance and making a special trip, but that is just common sense, in this case we are talking in metres not km.

I asked the question as I was absolutely gobsmacked at the time, especially given the sort of friendship I thought we had.

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10 years 6 months ago #403557 by kai
kiwi 303 ... hmm....

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10 years 6 months ago #403562 by shad297
Something fishy going on there I think. If that is not the normal way she behaves? I would be wondering. Maybe she's having a passionate affair or got something else to hide??

Husband, two teenagers, Stanley & Jed the greyhounds, one quail (Hawkefrost), one budgie (Chaos) small productive surburban section.

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10 years 6 months ago #403563 by Cinsara
She knows you don't mind her dropping in unannounced and you now know she does so what's the issue?
I completely understand where she is coming from, I won't let people just drop in at home as it's always a mess and I like to have it tidy for visitors, even friends.

>

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!

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10 years 6 months ago #403569 by Ruth
Some of us are just a bit different from others of us. I really like people coming to visit, but sometimes if they drop in unannounced, I feel quite discombobulated. My brain requires some mental time to adjust to a change in plans, or I feel a bit uncomfortable. It doesn't mean I won't quite quickly adjust to a new plan, but for me to really enjoy a visit, I'm slightly better off if I know it's going to happen, even if only by 20 minutes because of a phone call. Otherwise I feel like my visitor might observe my tortured brain-reorganisation expressions and think they're not welcome, which they generally are. I presume I'm not the only person in the world for whom this is the case. You are very welcome, but for my emotional comfort, in my own little world, let me know when you're on you're way, if you possibly can.

Damn, now outed myself as even more peculiar. :D

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10 years 6 months ago #403573 by drifter
I am happy for people to drop in unannounced. My friend prefers a call first. So she drops in here whenever and I call her before visiting her. Easy, Not an issue :)

I definitely don't consider it putting 'terms and conditions' on our friendship. I just think of it as being respectful of her preferences, as she is of mine.

Strange how much you've got to know, Before you know how little you know.

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10 years 6 months ago #403575 by witheze
ditto cinsara and ruth.....cat sprayed my puter...at last.... and i have no capitals......it needs replacing anyway but not til the cats gone... :)

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10 years 6 months ago #403576 by Cinsara
Love your depiction Ruth and I concur [^]

>

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!

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10 years 6 months ago #403584 by kai
I could understand if it was asked for if I wanted to visit (ie, stay some time, chat, have a cup of coffee etc). But the demand (I say demand because it was not made particularly subtly) was also for dropping things off ie "here are the plants you wanted, how are you, OK, bye" sort of visits. Would she demand the postie made an appointment for a signature?

There are a few other reasons why this particular case I found offensive, but I do not want to go into those details.

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10 years 6 months ago #403586 by 3scoremiles10
If this is unusual for her and she has been fine with you dropping in unannounced in the past then maybe she is going through a rough patch and feeling more insecure and vulnerable, and reacting to that by wanting to feel more in control, have a schedule and predictability in her life. This could be a result of the continuing earthquakes and the stress related to that - people often react to stress and trauma by wanting to hole up, circle the wagons and hide under the covers. This could be her version.

Personally, friends are welcome to drop in any time, with the caveat that I can vouch for the coffee but not the housekeeping ;) And obviously if I'm in the middle of doing something like yard cattle they will be roped in to help!

Ruth, very well explained, and I don't think that's at all peculiar! I too can have that reaction to a sudden change in plans, especially when I'm out with a group of friends and it's unclear what we're doing, and then the hivemind decides on something I don't want to do and I don't have an escape route.

Basically I think it comes down to 'your house your rules', and what some people are comfortable with other people aren't, and it doesn't have to have any deep significance/meaning for your friendship.

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10 years 6 months ago #403591 by sundaysbest
The only reason I have said for people to text or phone first would be so I don't "release the hounds" on them... (some of you have seen my "Hounds"... they are a non-issue, more of a joke really!)

If you have been friends a long time, you won't care if the house is untidy or there is vacumming to be done - ??? Maybe she's one of those people who like to have things "just so" before having guests... even just a drop in?

Bit weird if you have been friends for a long while... just my 10c worth.

Sundays :)

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