Jokers corner - come in for a laugh!

  • maggies mum
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14 years 5 months ago #2887 by maggies mum
Jokers corner - come in for a laugh! was created by maggies mum
:D:D

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call
on
his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round
of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth
to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in
Yorkshire...
like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby
league
player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
"WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
aren't you
the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So,
how
much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What
happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his
lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him
circumcised.."


JACK WAS ABOUT TO MARRY JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
'I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.


Things people said.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

B e careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.


Dangers of Drinking

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at Heathrow.

It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Stansted."


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


They should keep ya going for a while! :D

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14 years 5 months ago #78445 by gemini kiwi
Love it........................that's for my morning chuckle.

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14 years 5 months ago #78448 by organicltd
A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few
minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.

Her husbands says "Hey how did you get this?"

She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This
happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc.
One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to
run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?"

"Well, we dont want your lotto ticket getting wet, now do we?!!!!"

Cop Vs Little Girl

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

Wine does not make you FAT it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

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14 years 5 months ago #78455 by PeterNZ
More! Please more of this! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Cheers

Peter


Everything you need to make your own cheese at home
www.CottageCrafts.co.nz
[:D]LSB Members will get first order (over $10) shipping cost free. Just mention your LSB user name! [:D]

My private blog (Caution! Contains opinions and thoughts which may offend some viewers.)

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  • maggies mum
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14 years 5 months ago #78459 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Jokers corner - come in for a laugh!
Okee dokee!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."


A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"


To all those gardeners out there.

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps
him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".


A little old lady from Sun City, AZ. took her car to her mechanic. She
told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while
there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin
and see what the problem is." Off they went. She drove down a one-way
street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both
sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians on pedestrian
crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!"


A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are **** in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about **** on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink ****, and listen to Bull-****."


Holy Water vs Turps

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

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  • chooky
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14 years 5 months ago #78461 by chooky
Replied by chooky on topic Jokers corner - come in for a laugh!
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

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14 years 5 months ago #78462 by PeterNZ
Gosh, stop it, I have to work!!!!!

Thank you for putting a big smile on my face!

Cheers

Peter


Everything you need to make your own cheese at home
www.CottageCrafts.co.nz
[:D]LSB Members will get first order (over $10) shipping cost free. Just mention your LSB user name! [:D]

My private blog (Caution! Contains opinions and thoughts which may offend some viewers.)

Change the World! One Meal...

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14 years 5 months ago #78473 by Dream Weaver
Brilliant

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14 years 5 months ago #78480 by Lost Triceratops
And for those who want a Sing-along today... try these Country and Western "classics".......

Top 16 Country Songs

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin'' Better.

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
.
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number one song is. . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke-Up With A Few.

Are you Happy?...
Yes????
Well notify your fecking face ya miserable lookin sod!

“Add life to your days, not days to your life.”

"Live life as if every day is your last, one day you will be right".

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  • maggies mum
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14 years 5 months ago #78520 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Jokers corner - come in for a laugh!
always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too flipping stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

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14 years 5 months ago #78544 by sod
MM is this lurkin cos it sure stops me workin.:D :D

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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14 years 5 months ago #78550 by rob
thank you to all,had a good laugh, makes a good idea for a jokes only section though

Rob

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14 years 5 months ago #78556 by reggit
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer
John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over
to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the
2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row
of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is
the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be
another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did
you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains
very confidently .

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
"I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

[}:)]

Take a break...while I take care of your home, your block, your pets, your stock! [;)] PM me...

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14 years 5 months ago #78574 by organicltd
The Confession

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and
drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your
face."

Wine does not make you FAT it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

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  • maggies mum
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14 years 5 months ago #78593 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Jokers corner - come in for a laugh!

quote:Originally posted by rob

thank you to all,had a good laugh, makes a good idea for a jokes only section though

I'll change the title, then anyone can just add to it![8D]

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