Ok, sling us your best relationship tips

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12 years 10 months ago #382674 by stephclark

Clods;376016 wrote: I tend to live a lot inside my own head - and expect him to know how I feel or what I'm saying through osmosis, or something. You/I need to remember that he can't read your mind, and what you say with a look, probably doesn't even register ;)


mine can !.. he has had to learn as a matter of survival :D

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12 years 10 months ago #382687 by Rothwell
Is he and are you grumpier at certain times of the day? It is well-known that when we are hungry our temper is shorter than a while after a meal. Are you both choosing the right time to talk?

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12 years 10 months ago #382698 by GloPony
Hhhmmm... reading these replies is just confirming what I've always thought... having kids is bad for a relationship! :p :D

Seriously though (& we do have a 21yo son [;)]), I agree with all those who have said communication is the key. You MUST talk to each other & spend some time considering things from the other party's point of view to at least gain an appreciation of why it's a big deal for them, even if it's no big deal for you.

My darling husband's take on relationships is "it's all about how much of the other person's cr*p you're prepared to live with". I actually think he sums it up pretty well!

We can ALL live with the stuff we like about each other but it's sitting back & taking stock of all the little things that bug you about the other person; can you & are you prepared to live with those things? Does the good stuff outweigh the bad? Is the bad really THAT bad or is it just little picky things?

Whenever I'm really mad with him, I think about when we met, all the wonderful things he does for me, etc. I focus on the positive but I also do a mental run through of all the things I do that bug him & remind myself that NOBODY is perfect. If we were to compare, he's a LOT closer to it than me! :D That tends to take the wind outta my sails pretty quick & we get back on track. [B)][^]

And WOW Mich!!! How AWESOME is THAT?!?!?! [:0][^][^] :D :D :D

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12 years 10 months ago #382714 by sod
As a male I have to agree with Xartep "sex to save a marrage does not and will not work" we get too tired too :D and the best thing is as many have said is a nice word, thank you, sometimes a small kiss or hug, Know this sounds silly but it can mean so much to us. I was a workaholic/escape artist!! works easy home sorting hard but a very good friend helped me see I wasn't in that place now so get over it and change to new place. He is still my best friend :) soon I changed and have never looked back. Sonyajh you have stared a great thread thanks :)

Glopony true :) but well worth the effort to have a new changed bigger relationship

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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12 years 10 months ago #382741 by Mich
Yep, GloPony - a man of few (often VERY few) words my DH might be, but I'm so lucky and very very proud of him. :-) He indulges me heaps, rarely complains and thinks of all those little things that matter - like having a cup of tea on the go for me JUST as I'm thinking to myself that I feel like one; a hottie on my chair when it's persisting down outside and I'm freezing; always supporting my wild schemes and plans - stuff like that. I reckon I definitely got the best of the deal, LOL.
Cheers, Mich.

Good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help someone up. Anon.

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12 years 10 months ago #382746 by Anne

Mich;376006 wrote: This has been such a lovely thread to read. I tell my DH how much I love him every day, and every Saturday since the day we were married (24 years ago) he's written me a "love note" which started out as a card, then moved into an entry in a notebook (now many notebooks, LOL). Over the years it's become sort of a diary of a marriage - all the ups and downs, funny and sad things, hopes and aspirations, I love yous and apologies - it all goes in his note to me every week. I treasure him for taking the time to write it down and when things get a bit antsy, I just need to think about the effort he goes to, to realise what's important. No guesses what I'd save if the house went up in fire! :-)

Thanks Sonya for bringing this up. I'm sure you've given us all food for thought and lots of encouragement - everyone goes through less than rosy times at some point.
Cheers, Mich.

What an awesome idea. (Generally) Men are so much better at communicating the feelings that women want to hear in writing that would be a great way for both partners: him to say what he wants and her to hear what she needs.

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12 years 10 months ago #382749 by GloPony
Wow! I thought I had the only one of those Mich! [:0] :p :D

They're a very rare breed indeed!! It's no wonder they have such appreciative wives! [^][^] :D

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12 years 10 months ago #382754 by sod
WOW if Jean had to wait for me to write something down she would be still waiting as it is she still has the only letter I ever wrote to her back when we were courting:rolleyes: But I have to tell her how much she means to me every day as I like too :)

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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12 years 10 months ago #382756 by kate

GloPony;376101 wrote: Wow! I thought I had the only one of those Mich! [:0] :p :D

They're a very rare breed indeed!! It's no wonder they have such appreciative wives! [^][^] :D

I've got one too [:I][:I]

I think the best thing I was told about relationships is to get the perfect husband you should be the perfect wife...[}:)]

Web Goddess

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12 years 10 months ago #382764 by thevarneys
To add another book reccommendation - (cant remember the title) but something to do with communication by Ian and Mary Grant, (Parents Inc) Very easy to read and apply, we took turns at night reading aloud to each other - they hit the nail on the head with every page about the differences between how men and women act and think (in general) like most have already pointed out.
Soniyajh you are so not alone in how you feel. I think the main issues (it sounds like) are tiredness from being a mother, and men are from mars type thing (actually thats a good book too :D ).
So, from my experience with those issues I can suggest
  • Try to find some time/energy saving tips for the kids and house. I try to vacume quickly at night and hubby will often ask - what do you NEED to get done tonight - I am still learning what is more important - some time with him or a clean house to start the next day with. I sometimes feed the kids dinner early, quick and easy, and we put them to bed and cook ours when its just the two of us. wine is good too, but has the opposite effect if you have had a glass and then have to go and see to the kids who arent asleep[}:)] my hubby used to think that I would rather spend time doing house than spend time with him! I was trying to show him how much I loved him by managing the house/kids well so it was tidy etc! Comes back to the 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman.
  • Have a time away from the kids at least once a month, weekly if you have babysitter/money. We choose to go away for a day rather than out for dinner, as money is tight and we actually spend more quality time together doing something WITH NO KIDS. the first time we did this, and Nana (the kids, not mine) came to look after the kids, they knew Mum and Dad were having special time together and thought it was great fun (even though they weren't coming) and had ideas for where to go and what to eat.
  • The hardest thing I think, but most necessary, is to be able to talk openly and honestly together about how you are feeling. And ditto what everyone else has said about writing it down first, not bringing up old events etc. And super ditto to Lindeegs? comment about assumming they dont mean to hurt you.
Someone said (not on this forum)that the 3 things couples will argue about most will be kids, sex and money (or lack thereof), and I can second that. Argue is perhaps the wrong word, more like stress, friction and disagreements.

Sonyiajh you mentioned that you felt cared for by recieving all these comments from everyone (all our virtual friends) but you havnt met any of them. While all this is good advice from everyones experiences, do you have a 'real' friend or two, with young kids (so they understand those pressures too) who can catch up with you for coffee (your house/hers/park/McCafe with playground) once a week for support too? and you might find that she has similar issues.....
Not to be nosey but keep us updated on how things go, little at a time.
Our love and prayers are with you

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

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12 years 10 months ago #382770 by sod
Kate that doesn't always work Jean is that but missed out got me instead. Which goes to prove I'm smarter than her LOL

Marrage is a work in progress :) or a road being always up graded. :)

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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12 years 10 months ago #382890 by Jen - Featherston

drifter;375928 wrote: I high-lighted your question :)

Yes I'm sure. It won't last forever and you will miss it in a way you won't believe now. (you won't want to go back tho[;)])

For me, planning romantic dinners, date night etc was too exhausting.
I did something much simpler. Every rainy day was 'ours'. To kick back and watch dvds/fish and chips/stay in bed/read a book or whatever. Didn't matter if the kids were there or not, we took the day to opt out of the busywork.

Yep, same, we watch Sons of Anarchy on a Wednesday night together snuggled on the couch. He gets the cup of tea's ready and I get the quilts :D it doesn't have to be anything flash just something you both want to do, and then do it together :)

Mich;376006 wrote: This has been such a lovely thread to read. I tell my DH how much I love him every day, and every Saturday since the day we were married (24 years ago) he's written me a "love note" which started out as a card, then moved into an entry in a notebook (now many notebooks, LOL). Over the years it's become sort of a diary of a marriage - all the ups and downs, funny and sad things, hopes and aspirations, I love yous and apologies - it all goes in his note to me every week. I treasure him for taking the time to write it down and when things get a bit antsy, I just need to think about the effort he goes to, to realise what's important. No guesses what I'd save if the house went up in fire! :-)

Thanks Sonya for bringing this up. I'm sure you've given us all food for thought and lots of encouragement - everyone goes through less than rosy times at some point.
Cheers, Mich.

It's beautiful to hear of two people so in love. I think as busy mothers of small creatures we forget to be in love, and as husbands with busy jobs and financial pressures they often forget to be in love as well.

Someone mentioned the love languages, I loved this! I am a words of affirmation and acts of service girl, and he is a touch and quality time man. Knowing this I can make more of an effort to cuddle, hold his hand, kiss him and make time to spend with him and he can tell me how well I am doing at this [^] it certainly is true the more you love the more loved you feel BUT only when the other person knows HOW to love you so take this test to find out and ask him to take it as well! www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Sometimes its not only what you say, its the way you say it that counts.

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12 years 10 months ago #382915 by kaybe

Xartep;375991 wrote: theflylady.com has some interesting tips on how to cope with "stay at home mum blues" and keeping on top of it all - it works too :p

What a great site, thanks for mentioning it. As a procrastinator I'm finding it helpful. I had to Google it though, it turns out to be flylady.net.

Xartep;375991 wrote: disregarding your feelings of selfworth to get him out of a slump with sex is out dated and trite.

I totally agree that no-one should negate their self-worth by forcing themselves to do something they don't want to do. But, there is evidence that for some women, making themselves get past the 'it's too much effort, I don't feel like it, I'm too tired' feeling to engage in mutually enjoyable sex, can be beneficial in re-establishing a 'sexy' frame of mind. I have to force myself to exercise, even if I don't feel like doing it, but I feel better afterwards. :D I also look at it like this; if it costs me nothing negative emotionally to give him a 'freebie', and it cheers him up (which is good for me emotionally in other aspects of our marriage), then it's a win-win situation. Not all gifts have to be wrapped and tied with ribbons. :)

Sorry sonyaj, this is sort of heading off-track, but I just wanted to clarify that I'm not an advocate of "How to Keep Your Husband Happy" c.1950s. I think if I met my OH at the door with a martini, fresh lipstick, combed hair, high heels, spotless house, quiet children, dinner on the table, and the promise to later 'lie back and think of England', he'd think his wife had been replaced by an alien! I can see why those women needed Valium...

Tomorrow is the day I will stop procrastinating.

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12 years 10 months ago #382931 by stephclark
Sorry sonyaj, this is sort of heading off-track, but I just wanted to clarify that I'm not an advocate of "How to Keep Your Husband Happy" c.1950s. I think if I met my OH at the door with a martini, fresh lipstick, combed hair, high heels, spotless house, quiet children, dinner on the table, and the promise to later 'lie back and think of England', he'd think his wife had been replaced by an alien! I can see why those women needed Valium...[/quote]

having a chuckle here too.. its abit stepford wives isnt it?..

and not only did they need the valium.. alot also 'checked ' themselves into places like carrington or kingseat, just for a break from it all.. :)

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12 years 10 months ago #382993 by thevarneys
The day after I give some marriage advice[:I]:o we have a hard day with misunderstandings, poor communication, storming off and a few tears :( Was hard at the time but it passes quickly and very funny now :D :D :D :D
Goes to show that even though we know it in theory, putting it into practice isnt always smooth sailing.

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

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