Ok, sling us your best relationship tips

More
12 years 10 months ago #382595 by Clods
I had the problem that my other half was away a lot when the kids were little. I would build so much hope and expectation -look forward so much to him coming home, and then be so hurt and disappointed when he was tired, grumpy, and would snap at the kids, so they daren't talk to him. Of course he was tired.

There is two sides to it all. Sometimes it take one person to make the move to make things better - even if they think they aren't the one "in the wrong". Get rid of any pride, and treat them the way you would like to be treated, and it most often rubs off, and what you sow, so shall you reap.

2 horses, 15 Chickens, 1 goat, 2 pigs, 1 cat

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382596 by stephclark
hi there

sonya.. dont know what your situation is, so not even going to try to offer up advise... personally..Igor nailed it.. men dont get hints.. when we say something is ' fine' , they say oh good and wonder off to do what they want, leaving us ( not all.. just generally speaking ).. feeling unloved and ignored.. they dont do the ' girlfriend' supportive thing and talk on endlessly about something and give a situation a complete post mortum!..
men do stuff and try to fix stuff, so instead of being able to vent and talk something thru with support and a hug.. the silly buggers will be all practicle and try to actually do something ( usually involving tools of some sort ) :) .. understanding that gets us most of the way to working with it...
also most men are the full time employed out of the house.. and alot of men have very stressful jobs.. in my case, i am the full time worker with the stressy job and i know.. when i finally make it home at night.. i want to sit and calm for a while before strikeing out into dinner,housework or hearing about the OH's day..rule in our house.. dont talk to me till 7pm..then i am completely made of ears :) ..
i blame blurdy stories we were told when we were girls.. knight in shining armour, happily ever after..its isnt... 99% of hubbies, do not hang on your everyword, do not worship the ground we walk on, do not make all our problems go away and do not make every day and bright and sunshiny one .. its the expectation that they will that get us into trouble..

anyway must stop there or i will realy get on my soap box...

lots of supportive hugs and choccies from me.. :) [;)]

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382598 by sod
I go with Igor and Steph :D see when you ask us males what we are thinking and we say nothing we mean nothing :D so when you say nothing is wrong, get the picture!! And we can be very slow on the uptake. You said he makes the kids beds sometimes I remember that my way of "helping" Us males were brought up to be tough not mushy LOL to go with Steph's reply It was wrong but we learn slowly :D :D

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382600 by Simkin
We have 3 kids, too, and they took all my attention when they were little. I worked full time until #3 was born and that's when the unhappiness started.

One morning when the kids were still asleep and I was up early I sat down on the side of his bed and told him that I wasn't happy anymore. He listened and things improved.

I found our children's younger years very hard yards but I tried to focus on the gratification (and unconditional love) I got from our kids.

They are now at high school and life is good.

Sorry to hear about your plight, Sonya. Hang in there - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382602 by rob
go on a date, with the other half that is, take in a movie, i recommend BRIDESMAIDS and have a meal afterwards, just get away for a while, it is easier said than done.

hope all goes well

Rob

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382603 by highgirl

igor;375926 wrote: Men do not understand little hints.
We do not understand big hints.
You have to tell us straight out what you mean or else we won't get it.
If a woman tells a man that nothing is wrong when he can clearly see that something is wrong then he won't be able to help because he won't know how.
I hope I'm helping. I have communication problems at home too.

But what about when you are saying "nothing is wrong" because you know it's just not worth the hassle of going down the track of what is wrong because somehow it all gets turned around and twisted and blown up?...

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382608 by highgirl
Sonyajh, I was going to post a thread along very similar lines the other day...things do seem very hard sometimes (well most of the time for me at the moment). If it makes you feel better you aren't alone and I know two other families also that are feeling the same.

I think there is just a lot more pressure on everyone at the moment so even little things do seem like huge mountains.

I've decided just to try and make a conscious effort to try and stay positive when I'm feeling down...maybe by diverting my attention.

Good luck and hang in there...I'm sure it must get better [;)]

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382613 by stephclark
add to all the above.. the weather at this time of year is hard work for alot of people.. we are simply not getting enough sunlight.. those leaving home in the dark and getting home in the dark for work.. and the mums at home with the kids...i can only imagine what it is like to get enough omph to dress kids, get them organised and then try and do something with them outdoors.. i find it hard work with just me.. you also have a lodger at the moment.. and no matter how much help or pleasant the company, it is a strain having someone else in your house..
it will pass.. more hugs and chockie [;)]
is there a chance of a bit of a break?a long weekend in rotorua.. or a 3 day ski trip.. or a long weekend in wgtn and visit te papa..
change of scene, just the family

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382637 by DiDi
I'm divorced now after 22+ years so may not seem like the ideal candidate to answer this question (but claim the title to the most amicable divorce anyone in our world knew of!) but one more thing to think about is in line with the other's discussions about communication. Perhaps it was Dr Phil or Oprah (can't remember) but some years ago I came across a technique called "Mirroring". What a mind blow and eye opener that was!

As with others, my hubby was rarely home - either overseas or within NZ Monday to Friday and he would turn up on Friday night, snore his head off from tiredness. Put his dirty laundry out and then watch Rugby or whatever for most of Saturday. Sunday he come on his own to the daughters' horse events and would fall aslep in the truck for the entire day. Come home, look for his clean clothes, pack his bag and prepare for the next 5 days (or weeks) away. Can't tell you how much resentment simmered away over a number of years! LOL We were always farming from when my eldest was 6 months old and his input was negligible so I was way more than a stay at home mum!

One day (should I say one particular day) when I had had enough I decided to try this mirror thing. I explained it to him (the ultimate sceptic of anything odd) and told him how I felt (while I had his attention) I then asked him how he felt about what I had said? Blooming heck - say wot - another planet was involved! So I went back to him and said "So you understood that this ....was what I said?" Blooming heck...say wot?"
Talk about not getting each other even though it was a very laid back conversation!

I know I am explaining this very badly (as it was so long ago) but it was like a window opened for both of us and from that point on, our perception of what the other needed or wanted was listened too differently... and easily clarified. Grin

Look it up on the Web and give it some thought as seriously, I have been where you have been, shed the tears (and no that does not mean you are heading for a divorce!) but the difference to how you feel, no matter how tired and exhausted either of you are (or even happy), when you know you can/are being heard, it makes an enormous difference. It gives you the freedom to discuss things without aggravation creeping in too. Many times we both ended up laughing when we realised how ridiculous we were being in our own heads.

Depending on where you are with this, romantic dinners, get ways etc may not work if you don't actually want to be with him, (I certainly didn't at times!) so if you really can learn to understand each other's needs and wants through communication, you will be amazed at what a difference it will make. My ex and I are still friends and can talk to each other easily to this day. The decision to divorce is a whole different story and not for public consumption. Laugh

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382647 by Minky2
Gosh, what a wise lot on here - so many lovely insights and ideas. It's taken me years to learn not to spend ages mulling over every single thing hubby does that is wrong or hurtful. Sometimes I just have to realise that he is far from perfect (just like me) and that I must not take it personally, try and forget it and just move on, which I know is hard to do when you're tired and miserable. And he too is no doubt tired and overworked and simply won't be stopping to think before he speaks/acts because (some) men aren't good at that! Do you both have a hobby or something you really enjoy doing? And I don't necessarily mean together, he might love golf or fishing and you might love horseriding or embroidery. I think it is ESSENTIAL that you make time to do whatever it is and that you both make sure the other one of you has time to do it. When you have a combination of working hard and young children in my opinion it is an absolute necessity that you do these things to remove the 'drudgery' from your life and put some happiness, excitement and fun back in. I also think having a support person that you can talk to and trust can make a big difference. Sometimes just talking these things through with someone who has a positive but sympathetic outlook on life, and who will really listen to you can make you feel a LOT better. And do realise that it is an incredibly hard job bringing up young children and give yourself a big pat on the back, many posters have already mentioned that and I am repeating it again because it's so important that you know in your heart you are doing a very special job and obviously trying to do it to the best of your ability, so good on you!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382650 by sonyajh
Gee, where do I start? am feeling very comforted, and even though I feel very 'invisible/unknown' (for want of better words?) in this forum, ie I know no-one personally, I feel cared for, and that's exackery what I needed I think.

My OH is a very hard worker, and I admire him for that ... but it's also his biggest problem ... he needs help to know when to stop so that he can enjoy his children, the house we've both worked so hard to buy, and to enjoy me! lol!!! I can only change me, so I AM going to work harder on taking time out for me, planning family events (that I sooooo hope he will come to), and arranging couple time. I know it won't happen overnight (am I looking like Rachel Hunter here?), but I will make it happen ... he will be struck by a lightning rod one day (or something similar lol) that will show him just how much he's gaining from developing a better work / life balance ... that is my promise to me and him. For his mental health as much as anything else. I might need to take the lead a bit more without the guilt. I think I've said this before actually.

I also think it will eliminate some of the frustration that builds up and can sometimes be taken out on the kiddies by snapping at them, when he doesn't do things with us and I'm overburdened ... if I took extra time out, then I will be more relaxed and my time with the kiddliwinks will be even more enjoyable and I then won't have the guilt of being a grumpy mum (which is my worst nightmare in terms of being a good mum).

I appreciate the encouragement again, and I do hope that everyones posts (actually I'm sure they will) will help anyone else in a similar position to me at the moment ... I was very nervous posting this last night, but boy I'm glad I found my little balls of courage to do it :D

Thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!!

1/4 acre urban lifestyler [:D]

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382652 by Xartep
Sounds good, I also live with a extremely hard worker and sometimes the work environment and its pressures overwhelm him and things can get difficult.

Just remember that the house does not have to be spotless and the kids don't have to have a bath every day nor do they have to go to bed in Pajamas. Take a layer of pressure off your self and you will find it easier to cope with OH when he gets home in the evening.

theflylady.com has some interesting tips on how to cope with "stay at home mum blues" and keeping on top of it all - it works too :p

Oh and that BS about putting a smile on your pretty face and disregarding your feelings of selfworth to get him out of a slump with sex is out dated and trite. Sure men seem to be happier if they get regular sex, but if they don't they should just take a big dose of tough luck, grow up, and think about why their partner isn't feeling particularly sexy right now and if there is anything they can do to fix that.

3 Cocker Spaniels, 1 Huntaway, 3 Cats, Goats, Sheep, Pigs, Cows, Ducks, Chickens, Bunnies - small petting zoo?:rolleyes::cool:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382663 by Mich
This has been such a lovely thread to read. I tell my DH how much I love him every day, and every Saturday since the day we were married (24 years ago) he's written me a "love note" which started out as a card, then moved into an entry in a notebook (now many notebooks, LOL). Over the years it's become sort of a diary of a marriage - all the ups and downs, funny and sad things, hopes and aspirations, I love yous and apologies - it all goes in his note to me every week. I treasure him for taking the time to write it down and when things get a bit antsy, I just need to think about the effort he goes to, to realise what's important. No guesses what I'd save if the house went up in fire! :-)

Thanks Sonya for bringing this up. I'm sure you've given us all food for thought and lots of encouragement - everyone goes through less than rosy times at some point.
Cheers, Mich.

Good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help someone up. Anon.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382671 by stephclark

Xartep;375991 wrote: Sounds good, I also live with a extremely hard worker and sometimes the work environment and its pressures overwhelm him and things can get difficult.

Just remember that the house does not have to be spotless and the kids don't have to have a bath every day nor do they have to go to bed in Pajamas. Take a layer of pressure off your self and you will find it easier to cope with OH when he gets home in the evening.

theflylady.com has some interesting tips on how to cope with "stay at home mum blues" and keeping on top of it all - it works too :p

Oh and that BS about putting a smile on your pretty face and disregarding your feelings of selfworth to get him out of a slump with sex is out dated and trite. Sure men seem to be happier if they get regular sex, but if they don't they should just take a big dose of tough luck, grow up, and think about why their partner isn't feeling particularly sexy right now and if there is anything they can do to fix that.


exactly what i think.. couldnt have put it better myself.. the kids will not explode if they dont have a bath!

instead of running around like a looney to get the chores done.. enjoy the family together.. eat fish and chips off the floor ( newspaper of course ) and call it a picnic

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 10 months ago #382673 by Clods
I tend to live a lot inside my own head - and expect him to know how I feel or what I'm saying through osmosis, or something. You/I need to remember that he can't read your mind, and what you say with a look, probably doesn't even register ;)

2 horses, 15 Chickens, 1 goat, 2 pigs, 1 cat

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 0.150 seconds