Ok, sling us your best relationship tips

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12 years 9 months ago #382551 by PalmyCol
How about, if you find yourself in a hole....Stop digging :D


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12 years 9 months ago #382552 by Organix
Communication. And that means talking to each other, not at each other!

Harm Less Solutions.co.nz
NZ & AU distributor of Eco Wood Treatment stains and Bambu Dru bamboo fabrics and clothing

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12 years 9 months ago #382555 by Lindeggs
I find that even the tiniest gestures of affection can make a big difference. It can take a real effort if you're not feeling warm and affectionate towards that person, but it's worth the effort!

So maybe a hand on his arm when you talk to him, ruffle his hair as you go past, put your arm through his as you're walking together.

If you've got (other) animals it can sometimes be worth thinking of hubby as one of them! [:0] Treat him as a grumpy old goat who needs a bit of affection to soften him up. Speak to him softly and if he backs off or tries to bite you, be gentle and try again later.

Thinking like this gives you the upper hand. He's the goat and you're the goat-trainer. [;)] But he doesn't need to know that!



[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Missing my lovely chooks

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12 years 9 months ago #382556 by Lindeggs
P.S. I just wanted to say I'm impressed with the way you've asked the question. It seems to me that you're not into 'blaming' or getting angry. You seem to be making an effort to be up-beat and positive despite the trying times.

That's a great foundation for working on a relationship.



[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Missing my lovely chooks

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12 years 9 months ago #382563 by stephclark
[:0] Treat him as a grumpy old goat who needs a bit of affection to soften him up. Speak to him softly and if he backs off or tries to bite you, be gentle and try again later.

Thinking like this gives you the upper hand. He's the goat and you're the goat-trainer. [;)] But he doesn't need to know that![/quote]

:D :D :D grumpy old goat !! .. luv it.. :D

i have no words of wisdom i am afraid.. OH and i just do our own thing.. just cause we are married doesnt mean we are joined at the hip..he does his and i do mine..we have no expectations on how we ' think' married life should be.. we just enjoy whatever comes along.. we are lucky ( ? ).. as we dont have the added stress of kids..
just mud, chooks, mud, cows, mud, cats, mud, horses, mud, dog..

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12 years 9 months ago #382564 by Xartep
This seems a good time to share this ; it really hit the spot around here...

I think alot of dads get caught in a bit of a trap, their work environment starts to take over their lives and their worries about being able to "provide" for their families make them miss the big picture.

I have noticed that Fathers in particular that have a child after they have already raised or almost raised to adulthood a family, are much more relaxed and make more time for families. One man I know said that that is because he was already established, successful and the mortgage was no longer such an issue.

Our society leads to expectations of dressing the kids in Pumpkin Patch or similar and having a big car and TV and a nice house and that puts a huge financial pressure on a young couple with children. I'm not saying that this applies in this case but I believe that the theory has merit.

3 Cocker Spaniels, 1 Huntaway, 3 Cats, Goats, Sheep, Pigs, Cows, Ducks, Chickens, Bunnies - small petting zoo?:rolleyes::cool:

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12 years 9 months ago #382578 by Kiwismum
You cannot change another person, but you can change yourself.

Often it is a mental matter, if you decide to look at things differently and react differently then the outcome could well be different to.

The basis of any good relationship is respect!

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
A person only gains light
by bringing light into another's life
www.dreamforthree.co.nz/

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12 years 9 months ago #382579 by Anne
Turn TV, computer, radio, CD player etc off.

As said before: communication. Remember that you and he may communicate differently. What he meant to say, may not be what you heard. Keep talking and listening and repeating back what you think he has said until you understand what he means. In the end, what we mean is more important than what we say.

If you can't talk, write it down: This is what I heard you say: "...........".

Let him read it or read it to him. If you give it to him, he will have time to process and think about it. Remember that generally, women are better at talking and communicating verbally than men. Allow for that. Keep trying to see his viewpoint. Once you have got his viewpoint and understanding, you will understand his actions. You may not like them or you may have a different understanding, but you can then let him know what your viewpoint or understanding is.

Keep communicating.

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12 years 9 months ago #382581 by Clods
Don't bring up things that happened in the past in a "new" argument/discussion.

If he is being grumpy - tickle him.

No one loves someone that's miserable all the time. So while you might have spent the day on the sofa bawling your eyes out, jump into his arms when he gets home, and be happy to see him. Even if its a struggle. He will then be happy to see you.

Understand that you see things one way, and remember things as you experienced them. He might have seen things a completely different way - and its always a bit of a shock when you compare "notes". Both misread what the other was doing/thinking, because you didn't actually ask.

2 horses, 15 Chickens, 1 goat, 2 pigs, 1 cat

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12 years 9 months ago #382584 by blimeyvicki
I agree with what everybody has said about communication. I know that I often felt teary and unreasonably upset when the kids were little. It was all about other people then, never about me!! If hubby asked me what was wrong I often couldn't give him a specific issue. It took me some time and distance to get a handle on it.

It's exhausting being a Mum and day to day carer of kids, husband and house. It doesn't last forever although it felt like it would at the time. I was bought up to believe I could have whatever life/career I wanted and that I could do it all!! I discovered I could not and once I stopped feeling like a failure because of that I became happier. Also hubby makes me laugh all the time :)

My kids are paying me back in spades now with how smart and clever and funny and loving they are - the early effort pays off. And they love me :) Try and remember that this is probably the hardest part of a young families life, its tough and seems never ending. Talk to friends who are going through the same stage and I suspect they will be feeling very similar to what you are.

It will get easier, just hang in there. Talk to your husband. If you can afford it buy something nice for yourself (not the kids or the house), a book, a haircut, a pedicure, just something that makes you feel good. Good luck.

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12 years 9 months ago #382588 by grannie Mary
Plan a nice romantic meal for just the two of you, make it simple-candles & wine (even Fish & chips) even out on the terrace or verandah
The thing is to make it just a u2 time
Get the kids to bed early & threaten them with hell if they dare get out of bed,

This always worked for us & even now we can grab a bottle & go bush for an hour or two & weve got over 50 years together under our belts

PS WE still need to break the routine occassionally, & when you are young, tired, over kidded ,you also need special time for each other, so get it, cause no one else will get it for you----good luck, it will come right in the end just be faithful to each othere

Mary

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble,
It empties today of its strength."

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12 years 9 months ago #382589 by drifter
Have you ever heard of Love Languages? If not, do a quick google.

I found it very interesting that people express their love in different ways.

Knowing which language you identify with most is really helpful.
e.g If you are a person who needs 'quality time' and your husband is a person who expresses love by 'acts of service' then you have some serious communication issues going on without either of you even opening your mouths.

Strange how much you've got to know, Before you know how little you know.

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12 years 9 months ago #382590 by sonyajh
:eek: the tears are flinging out now! lol ... that wasn't supposed to happen! :o

i so appreciate everything everyone is saying, there's huge value in each and every comment on here, I am going to read and reread them all ... there's a few really resonating with me already ... men communicate differently and i need to work around that (sometimes all i want to hear is him saying 'sorry' or 'you did a good job with the kids/house today' when what will happen is he will do something like make the kids beds (unusual) and i have to realise and accept that that is his way of saying the words i'm after) ... secondly, I need to really and trully make more of an effort for him and i to have a relationship outside of the children, and to understand that this 'busyness' won't last forever (are you sure?! lol! :) ) ...

I also genuinely think I do make an effort to do a lot of the things mentioend, ie nice meals, surprise tickles, but it's so one-sided, I'm exhausted ... I do think I need to make time for me without feeling the huge amount of guilt that I do, so I can rejuvenate

Anyway, lots to think about and work on ... I so so appreciate all of your advice, thanks so much!

:)

1/4 acre urban lifestyler [:D]

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12 years 9 months ago #382591 by igor
Men do not understand little hints.
We do not understand big hints.
You have to tell us straight out what you mean or else we won't get it.
If a woman tells a man that nothing is wrong when he can clearly see that something is wrong then he won't be able to help because he won't know how.
I hope I'm helping. I have communication problems at home too.

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12 years 9 months ago #382593 by drifter

sonyajh;375925 wrote: ... secondly, I need to really and trully make more of an effort for him and i to have a relationship outside of the children, and to understand that this 'busyness' won't last forever (are you sure?! lol! :) ) ...

I high-lighted your question :)

Yes I'm sure. It won't last forever and you will miss it in a way you won't believe now. (you won't want to go back tho[;)])

For me, planning romantic dinners, date night etc was too exhausting.
I did something much simpler. Every rainy day was 'ours'. To kick back and watch dvds/fish and chips/stay in bed/read a book or whatever. Didn't matter if the kids were there or not, we took the day to opt out of the busywork.

Strange how much you've got to know, Before you know how little you know.

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