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12 years 10 months ago #27864 by sonyajh
We all have our ups and downs in our relationships, I'm sure ... but sometimes you feel like you're the only one in your circle of friends beating your head against a brick wall ... (hence why I've turned to a neutral forum)

I want to make light of how 'effortfull' (sheesh is that a word?!) my little world is right now, to give me some inspiration to move forward positively ...

What has been your best ever 'change direction tactic' when you hit a rocky patch with the OH, or simply what is your best advice for keeping things smooth sailing?

3 young children, work work work to be done ... that's us in a nutshell ...

Hope this doesn't come across as a whinge or a pity train, ... I'm just wanting to hear something quirky or fun or whatever that can lift things up and adam out of this ikky little spot. [:I]

1/4 acre urban lifestyler [:D]

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12 years 10 months ago #382525 by 3scoremiles10
Well, I find that when my partner and I get into a bit of an effort rut, maybe because you're going through a stressful time like moving house or changing jobs or whatever, and you're each a bit wrung out and feel like you're giving all you've got (you've got three kids, nuff said) that doing something extra and maybe a bit unusual for a little extra effort can reap rewards. It just sort of braks things up. Example of what I mean - due to going through stressful time everything becomes a burden, and all sorts of little irritations flare up and become major things, such as forgetting to put the trash out or squeezing the toothpaste tube wrong. Anyway, doing something like bringing your partner coffee in bed, or filling their car up with gas while you're out in it, or, well, you get the idea, something small that is a small effort for you but brings joy to their day, can really help in disproportionate ways just to break the monotony of snipping and snarling at each other.

Also, with three young kids, don't forget that, important as they are, you two have your own relationship. Get a babysitter you trust (maybe a relative) and have a weekly date (doesn't have to be at night!) and spend some time just the two of you, doing something you both enjoy.

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12 years 10 months ago #382526 by Lindeggs
The best thing I've found is to assume that everything your OH does or says is completely well intentioned. Even if you don't really believe it, pretend you believe it until you do. It allows you to smile even when you don't feel like smiling, and you know he can't resist your bestest smile! :D

Of course you have to be careful not to make it sound sarcastic, but a real smile always helps.

You're right, everyone goes through these tough patches. Just keep trucking on and it will get better. :)



[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Missing my lovely chooks

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12 years 10 months ago #382530 by Ronney
Perhaps this might be better over in Other Things[;)]

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12 years 10 months ago #382533 by sod
Having been married a very long time and 3 well grown up children (even if not leave home trained) two things said above we have found very good, just remember to-day comes and then is gone no second chance so as "3score" said must have time for two as this is your day/week what ever too also pick what is worth worrying about, stop and think about each thing and as Lindeggs said think was it was not done to upset me so does it really matter. Do not listen to all x sperts :D We had 3 little darlings5 years between all, and things were just like you I would think. Get out of the rutt do something silly :) well something you dont have to but would like to for an hour or longer. All the best it does get better so they keep telling us!!!!!!!

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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12 years 10 months ago #382535 by Jen - Featherston
I also have 3 young children, and have been through some real ups and downs.

My best advice is to read "Relationship Rescue" by Dr Phil McGraw, saved my marriage and made me a much happier person. You can often pick up a second hand copy on TM for about $5.

The best thing I ever did was realise that I could only change me, and when I did that, my husband slowly changed as well.

This too shall pass, and hand on heart it is hard with 3 little kids to keep your relationship healthy for both you and your husband but hang in there it will get better.

Sometimes its not only what you say, its the way you say it that counts.

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12 years 10 months ago #382537 by Vanaheim
one week a year in the bush, just me and her no tv no distractions brilliant

Bræðr munu berjask ok at bönum verðask,
munu systrungar sifjum spilla;
hart er í heimi, hórdómr mikill,
skeggöld, skalmöld, skildir ro klofnir,
vindöld, vargöld, áðr veröld steypisk;
mun engi maðr öðrum þyrma.

Brothers shall fight | and fell each other,
And sisters' sons | shall...

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12 years 10 months ago #382538 by terralee
Married 40 years next March ....one word ....LAUGHTER .....look for the laughs in everything ...a good laugh really lifts you both up[;)]
Cheers

Leonie & Zoo!!! :silly: :woohoo:

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12 years 10 months ago #382539 by sonyajh

Ronney;375860 wrote: Perhaps this might be better over in Other Things[;)]


oops - I didn't see this category, thanks for moving me [:I]

1/4 acre urban lifestyler [:D]

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12 years 10 months ago #382544 by The Kats Place
take time out for the two of you. Date night is great, take turns at organising it. Doesn't have to cost much, could be a bottle of wine, no TV and a game of scrabble, could be a picnic down the back of the farm, just the two of you. Time to reconect and remember why you are in this thing in the first place. You have to nurture yourself before you can nurture others.

kats
Live your life in such a way that it will be easy for people to say nice things at your funeral [;)]

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12 years 10 months ago #382545 by sonyajh
wow, vanaheim, that week in complete isolation would be absolute bliss! (or the other extreme, one of us would go missing! lol!) ... seriously tho, i'm keeping that one in my back pocket for when the youngest is a bit older and i could rip myself away from the chillen for more than 2 days, thankyou! (any recommendations on some good batches to go to in the bush?)

i soooo hear you about the power of a smile lindeggs, unfortunately at the mo it would be a very watery eyed one and not at all bright. i'm big on smiliing usually, and having a laugh, this is why this is bothering me so much, because things seem very far from a giggle right now.

i've arranged for us all to go out friday as a family, something we would rarely rarely do, so that'll be nice, and i will also work on having a night out with my OH in the very near future ... I'm also checking out the book you suggested right now on trademe jen, thankyou so much.

Appreciate your time everyone ... and here's one for practice ... :D ...

1/4 acre urban lifestyler [:D]

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12 years 10 months ago #382546 by igor
Listen to each other.
Wait until the other person has finished speaking before you answer.
When you have had your say, shut up and wait for the whole answer before going on to the next thing.

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12 years 10 months ago #382547 by Xartep
I've found in the past, when it is hard to get a reasonable conversation underway that writing a letter helps. Don't print and present the 1st draft, [:0] that is your brain dump. Use it as a starting point for getting your feelings and thoughts on the situation out.

Then rewrite until its non-emotive and sensible and puts your point across without making accusations.

You may never need to print the letter[;)][8D] It may just get your thoughts in order so that the next time OH says or does something hurtful you will have a well thought through response that is not confrontational. Something like "When you do/say that it makes me sad and I feel unloved" may be enough.

3 Cocker Spaniels, 1 Huntaway, 3 Cats, Goats, Sheep, Pigs, Cows, Ducks, Chickens, Bunnies - small petting zoo?:rolleyes::cool:

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12 years 10 months ago #382548 by kaybe
Quirky and fun, hmmm - when our kids were small we used to play hide and seek inside the house. If your life is work, work, work at the moment then having some time to simply play and laugh is really good for you, and it's good for the kids to see Mum and Dad being silly too.

On the not quirky side, I certainly agree with everything that has been said above. I can also tell you what has worked for me with an OH who still annoys the heck out of me sometimes ("I married Mr Right, I just didn't realise his first name was Always":rolleyes:):

* Don't bottle up your feelings. Wait until you can speak calmly (in my case, without crying) and then use an 'I' statement "I felt ____, when you said/did ____" An 'I' statement helps stop the other person feeling defensive and encourages discussion rather than argument. The old adage about not going to bed angry is very wise advice.

* Remember to appreciate each other. Sometimes we expect family members to do something because it's their job and we don't need to thank them for it. We make a point of saying 'thank you for... dinner/doing the dishes/helping me do___ / etc.' Plus remembering please and thank you is modelling good manners for your kids.

* I agree make some time for yourselves somehow, even if it's just a walk together holding hands. I know my OH felt very displaced when the kids were little and taking all my attention. A bloke may not say it but he still needs to feel that he is first in your affections.

* Also take time for yourself. I don't know if you are a stay-at-home mum (I was) but it is easy to feel very unappreciated when you do the same things over and over again with no colleagues to chat to. A night off occasionally to do a class or see friends can make you feel like an intelligent (and desirable) human again.

* Speaking of desirable, I know it may be the last thing you feel like doing after looking after 3 small children all day, but dare I say it's amazing how much less grumpy a guy gets if he's getting laid regularly. [;)] [:I]

* And the other way to a man's heart - food. When you are busy it can be hard to think of yummy things to cook. When the kids were little I subscribed to a food magazine (delicious from Australia) which inspired me to get out of a cooking rut. If money is tight you can pull out your cookbooks,or I find the local thrift stores often have back issues of Cuisine or similar. Just recently I have started getting the family to each choose one recipe a week, that we can make together. It's helping my kids learn how to cook, gives me some time to chat with OH when it's his turn, and breaks me out of the 'what am I going to cook tonight?' doldrums.

It is effortful, where you are now. Just remember how worth it the effort will be. All the best,
Kay

Tomorrow is the day I will stop procrastinating.

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12 years 10 months ago #382549 by kaybe

sonyajh;375876 wrote: i soooo hear you about the power of a smile lindeggs, unfortunately at the mo it would be a very watery eyed one and not at all bright. i'm big on smiliing usually, and having a laugh, this is why this is bothering me so much, because things seem very far from a giggle right now.

Have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling? Is there any chance you have post-natal depression? You might also be low on iron, which would be making you tired, or just vitamins in general, which tends to make me depressed.

Tomorrow is the day I will stop procrastinating.

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