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12 years 5 months ago #21676 by rob
funny4 was created by rob
Another one to Ponder!

The climate sceptics would like this statement.
US Weather Bureau Report
The Arctic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some
places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the
Commerce Department yesterday from Consul Ifft, at Bergen, Norway. Reports
from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers, he declared, all point to a
radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in
the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has
been met with as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of
3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice
have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued,
while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few
seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals
of herring and smelts, which have never before ventured so far north, are
being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

I'm sorry, I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2,
1922 as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post. Check the
full article at:
wattsupwiththat.com/2008/03/16/you-ask-i...november-2nd-1922-ar
ctic-ocean-getting-warm-seals-vanish-and-icebergs-melt/

POOF,
> THE LIGHT GOES ON, AND POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF!!
>
>
> An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back
> with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.
> How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
> God?'
>
> George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight,
> so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
> the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light
> goes off.'
>
> 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
> the doctor calls George's wife Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had
> to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it
> true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in
> the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'
>
>
> 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
>
>
> If It Exists, You'll Find it on
> SEEK Shopping
> Trolley Mechanic

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue,
I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the catalogue?'
The second IRISHMAN replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday�

A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in
front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like
never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better
than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees
him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

I'm Still waiting.... I did what you told me ..
I sent the email to 10 people like you said
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters,
'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT WORKED!

For 2010, could you please just send money, Chocolate or Gas vouchers -
thank you!

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into
a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to
me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Life Explained

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and
asked how long it took them to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet
their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with
our wives. In the evenings,
we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the
guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,

"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing
longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra
revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?", asked the fishermen.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one, and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate
directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles
, or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new
enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fishermen again.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?", said the fishermen.

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can
start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with
your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is:

......... Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!

Rob

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12 years 5 months ago #313718 by Celtic_Kiwi
Replied by Celtic_Kiwi on topic funny4
Thanks for the laughs Rob !!!

Celtic_Kiwi
AKA Nikki

Tir Na NOg

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12 years 5 months ago #313724 by Dream Weaver
Replied by Dream Weaver on topic funny4
Brilliant

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