chill out time needed

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE
DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS, THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES
IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS..............

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother !'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.

It 's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that
useless Tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Merlot!!!

rofl, some goodies in there.

Thanks for the smile.

Good jokes are just what we all need! I burst out laughing at most of them (heard the last one before) so thank you for that.

ditto, very good.

Very, very good and much appreciated! Don't receive many jokes these days & one needs one's does of humour!