Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)

  • chooky
  • chooky's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #19194 by chooky
Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!) was created by chooky
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q"..so the the mermaid did it and he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said" "Triple my I.Q."..and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed that he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said: "Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!"..the fisherman said yes so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285013 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
:D:D:D

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
14 years 8 months ago #285016 by moonshiner
I find that extremely offensive, demeaning and.......... oh bugger it I'm off to work

(leave you bored housewives to eat ur tim tams and watch days of our lives reruns...) :D


~

The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen. ~Tommy Smothers

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • chooky
  • chooky's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285020 by chooky
Replied by chooky on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
... are they really reruns . Awww bugger you have ruined my day .
Hey lets start a thread on what flavour Tim tams we like best .

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285024 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 People, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285025 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
Continued..

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285027 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
Now this must have been written for me!!

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. 2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285028 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
· "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • chooky
  • chooky's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285030 by chooky
Replied by chooky on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
They are classics MM . bring it on !!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
14 years 8 months ago #285043 by Finn McCool
Excellent, needed a laugh!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
14 years 8 months ago #285044 by moonshiner

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."


Yeah like that would happen! Seriously, I think I have done myself an injury from laughing :D

(hang on, aren't I supposed to be at work?)
File Attachment:


~

The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen. ~Tommy Smothers

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285046 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
Yeah get back to work you!! ;)

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
14 years 8 months ago #285048 by Kalmara
LOL

Attached files
File Attachment:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
14 years 8 months ago #285049 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Tuesday funny (and its very PC!!)
:D:D:D love that!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
14 years 8 months ago #285070 by eelcat
brilliant K and MM

1 Border collie, 1 Huntaway, 2 Lhasa Apsos, Suffolk and arapawa ewe crosses, an Arapawa ram,an East Friesian ewe , 5 cats, 42 ducks , 1 rooster and 30 hens, 5 geese, 12 goats, 2 donkeys, 2 house cows, one heifer calf, one bull calf, 3 rabbits and lots and lots and lots of fruit trees...

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 0.143 seconds