How would you deal with this.......

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12 years 11 months ago #19152 by ronnie
Ok, bit of a story here, so here goes........

Several years ago, OH befriended a chap (in his 40's) who has an intellectual disability (I think is the pc wording these days) whilst attending a weekly market. Chap lived in town.
Last year, around October, same chap was seen in our wee township. Turns out he was sent out here to live with rellies (an aunt, we think) He began calling around occasionally to spend time with OH as they get on very well. Was fine over the summer as they would sit on the back door step and talk a lot of bulls...
Meantime, I could get on with my work.
As the summer went on, he became a very regular visitor, almost daily. Was beginning to become a bit of a pain, really.
Then the family moved away to a neighbouring township and we never saw him.
Well, he turned up here again last week. Was very nice to see him again. Seems the family has moved back to our little township.
But since then, he has become a daily, almost all day, visitor. I have asked him to not come till after lunch, as I don't feel it is our place to feed him every day either.
But he comes just after lunch and hangs around with OH till nearly tea time.
Now, we only have a very small house. In the lounge, are only 2 big armchairs and my computer chair. I tend to sit in the armchair in the afternoons sewing up slippers.
Since he has started coming every day, He comes in and plonks himself in my chair and there he sits until OH takes him outside to see to the animals later in the afternoon. So I am getting behind in my work.
Have been telling him to "not come tomorrow as we won't be home" but don't like doing that.
Not sure how to tackle this issue. Seems his Aunt is thrilled to bits that we are amusing him during the day.
The other day, the rest of his family went out for the day and he was told there was no room in the car for him, so he could not go with them. Guess where he spent the day.

Now, I have no issue with him calling around occasionally as he does no harm and even the cats quite like him. And he loves to help OH with the animals, but he is not our responsibility. Waste of time dropping hints to him, and you should see the hurt look on his face when we tell him not to come tomorrow as we wont be home.
Not sure how to handle this one, but it is becoming an issue for us.
Should I approach his family? or just keep putting him off?
Any suggestions please????

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12 years 11 months ago #284401 by The Kats Place
approach the family and suggest they find something for him to do. I don't know what his condition is but sometimes disabled just don't recognise social behaviour patterns, like when its time to go home. I was thinking give him a job to do but that might just encourage him to come even more if he feels needed. Such a shame. Is there something he could get involved in, church group. bowls, helping at the school, small part-time job for no pay maybe? Do someones garden or lawn or walk a dog

kats
Live your life in such a way that it will be easy for people to say nice things at your funeral [;)]

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12 years 11 months ago #284402 by The Kats Place
maybe the local minister or copper could help with keeping him busy.
Having a disabled son myself I know how hard it is to keep them occupied and sitting in front of the TV just doesn't do it.
I was thinking mayby tell the family just one afternoon a week - or whatever works for you. Sadly he probably feels happier at yours than at home. The other thing is they are probably being paid by winz to look after him.

kats
Live your life in such a way that it will be easy for people to say nice things at your funeral [;)]

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12 years 11 months ago #284404 by Kate43
Yes, if you don't think sitting him down and gently explaining that he can't come every day would work, then I think you should approach the family to sort it out, as I suppose the longer you leave it the worse it will get, and you are being used as unpaid carers!
Maybe as Kats said he could get wee jobs around the area helping other people and would give him an interest as well as taking the pressure of you.

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  • Toni - Northland
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12 years 11 months ago #284412 by Toni - Northland
Replied by Toni - Northland on topic How would you deal with this.......
We had a young chap used to come around everyday. Wasn't disabled, but still a pain in the nornor. I had to get hubby to tell him to bugger off. This is different though. Could you give him a one afternoon a week 'job' to do around the farm and tell him that is that, that the rest of the week is devoted to your work. Don't know, hard one, but you may have to bite the bullet.

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12 years 11 months ago #284467 by DiDi
My instinct also is to "give him a job". With the job would come the rules about where he sits to work, that your chair is out of bounds etc.

He is "disabled" and if his disability prohibits him from being able to sew up slippers or pound pelts (sorry no idea what is involved!) then I'm not sure what you can do. As you so rightly pointed out - it really is not your responsibility and I wonder, if none of these ideas work then maybe your other who he gets on so well with can be coached to find the right words to get throught to him.

Boredom seems to be a huge part of this so is there an arrangement you can work out to use his possible potential to help you rather than have him sit around with OT? Having said all that - I like my own space and do not let anyone sit in MY chair! That is totally out of bounds. Laugh

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12 years 11 months ago #284504 by sod
DiDi my chair too but dogs look so happy on there and I'm not called sod for no reason :D

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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12 years 11 months ago #284509 by powerguy
I can not speak from experience but instinct leads me to suggest trying to explain to him that you have jobs to do and simply can not spend the time with him every day. Discuss this with his family too and let them know it is becoming difficult. They may be unaware of your situation and simply think you enjoy having him for all this time.

I would resist giving him a job as then he may feel he is being useful and try to be more useful by spending more time there.

It is an awkward situation and the longer it goes on for the harder it will be to reach a satisfactory solution. Also it may get to the point you lose patience and say something that may really hurt his feelings.

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12 years 11 months ago #284512 by Isla
I'd deal with the immediate problem first: find him a stool, tell him that's where he may sit, because you need to work in your usual chair and also sometimes in your computer chair and you need not to have to move him all the time. (I suggest a stool, or something small, because I've been in that livingroom!) Put a stop to the most important annoyance first, if you can.

I had a guest for a while earlier in the year who decided my seats were good places to sit, and I found myself pacing around having to find other things to do in my own space. It's not a tolerable situation when you have work to do, let alone for any other reason if it goes on for more than a very short time.

Does OH feel similarly about his ongoing presence? If he gets more enjoyment from him, they may need to return to chats on the back doorstep together: that might be self-limiting at this time of the year!

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12 years 11 months ago #284514 by beedee
When someone is missing the conceptual senses of social behaviour and unable to sense ... the time to leave.. then you set boundaries.. I would as others have suggested inform the family , state that he may only visit on say.. mon and wed.. between 2-4pm if he arrives before you say, not 2pm YET and close the door.. and at 4pm its time to leave NOW.. and stick to it.. if he then sits on your door step, call the family to come and collect him.. a bit like the unwanted puppy I am afraid.
Now it all sounds rude and cruel, but that is their world of understanding or not, and the need for the boundary of time, personal space, etc works that way..no choice, exact direction.. a bit like reading a book, who remembers reading a 2 yrs old a story and they keep going back to the previous 4 pages but expect you to keep reading the book etc, so you hold the book firmly open on THAT page. and soon you will all enjoy the visits knowing they are of set time etc.
Tis a hard one and Im in agreeance that the family are using or abusing OH's niceness and your chair

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12 years 11 months ago #284636 by ronnie
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions on this matter. I will try a different track this week, as it is usually me who answers the door. I shall just tell him OH is too busy (which he actually is) today so come back another day. See how that one goes. But the sad look on his face will make me feel sooooooo mean.

Little oopsy today. We told hem we were going out today, so not to come. Then he turns up to watch the fire across the road and of course comes over to ours. He followed OH around for about a half hour asking all the time "thought you were going out" So said, yes, just having lunch then going out.

I really enjoyed my nana nap until the fire siren went off again[}:)]

OH has also made the mistake of getting him to "help" with the paper brick making. He now seems to think he has to rush down here with every piece of paper he can find to chop up. Can't seem to comprehend "keep them till you get a big pile"

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12 years 11 months ago #284871 by kindajojo
i agree with bee dee. You need to have a firm set of simple rules. Give him a seat he can sit in as his, limit his visits to specific times.
however talk to his family you need to know if he is on medication and any health or medical issues he has, including mood swings, he may be harmless but that may be controlled by medication ( or not).
Once behaviour is set in place it may be hard to change

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12 years 11 months ago #284879 by ronnie
He was told today that we are both going to be very busy for the next 2 days, which is very truthful. Will see was happens tomorrow, but will be very firm and tell him to go home. I know most of the problems are boredom, but after today, he may not come tomorrow - OH took him outside and they cleaned out the garage [:0] :D [}:)]

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12 years 10 months ago #289799 by ronnie
Well, after putting up with this for months, it is to come to an end. Seems his family are moving again back to a neighbouring town.
Today, he turned up at 9.30 - was told to go away and come back after lunch. he then turned up at 11.30 - again I told him to go away. he then came back at 1pm and is still here.
Seems they are moving tomorrow, so today is his last day here. I shall be sorry to see him go, but will be pleased to be able to get back to our normal routine, without having to worry about a 3rd person. He seems quite sad to be going, but such is life. I know he enjoys helping OH and really enjoys the animals, but he is not our responsibility to either look after, or feed, both of which seem to be the case of late.
Will see how long they stay in the next town.............

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  • Toni - Northland
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12 years 10 months ago #289803 by Toni - Northland
Replied by Toni - Northland on topic How would you deal with this.......
Pleased to hear that Ronnie, and wouldn't it be nice if his family decided to find something to keep him busy and occupied.

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