Friday Funny - for men only!

I just received this mail from a friend:

quote:
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? '
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

Cheers

Peter

And another one from the same friend. I don't know what's wrong with him today.

quote: Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Cheers

Peter

OH hell... after 28 years of marriage and now NOT... this is so true... in reverse. Funny that!