best if the funnys I have read this week.

15 years 3 months ago #17679 by Kiwi303
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6 lb.
The average man's pen*s is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are still busy looking at their thumbs.


Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this
year only two banks will be left operational .... the
Blood Bank and the
Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the
whole place will
be full of bloody wankers.


The Fish

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in,
a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts
out, "sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's
a f*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the
sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest,
spotting the bishop.

"Language please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, says
the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I
could clean that f*cker And we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and
brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a
f*cker" says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother
superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight,
the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where
they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely
glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up
on the
table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You c*nts
are alright."


Year One school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by Year one students.. Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is, well a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant



None of that Sissy Crap

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you are thinking of something that Iwould probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick - For F@#k sake, stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will piss myself laughing, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Don't send this to 10 of your closest friends,

'cos I know you'll get depressed when you can only think of 4.

You Live and Learn, or you don't Live Long -anon

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15 years 3 months ago #262626 by kathken
yes kiwi......i've seen that top one....and love it. previously when i read that email, i read it out to our guests, and yes the guys were measuring their thumbs LMAO. funny as.

Reluctant Suburbanite Now

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15 years 3 months ago #262843 by Finn McCool
Love the fishing story :).

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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15 years 3 months ago #264017 by Westermans
well now i have had a really good laugh i suppose i had better get dressed...they were so funny....i love the 6 year old are just the most perfect little comidiens at times..i have to send that to my WHOLE e-mail list now...thanks for sharing that one...made my day :)

Multitasking is my speciality:-)

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