Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
> ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
> instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
> club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
> was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
> waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
> dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
> the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
> is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
> __________________ ______________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in
> the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
> VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
> an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
> help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
> I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find
> me.
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> _______________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
> anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
> could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
> barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
> coach or the choir director?
>
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
> shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
> voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
> lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
> eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
> my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
> like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
> to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
>
>
:D:D:D