Message From The Queen (to the US)

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13 years 3 months ago #17119 by Organix
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA
therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia
is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth -
see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three
kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and
rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World
dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

Harm Less Solutions.co.nz
NZ & AU distributor of Eco Wood Treatment stains and Bambu Dru bamboo fabrics and clothing

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13 years 3 months ago #255308 by Valmai
Errrr???
Following on from that other thread, shouldn't the second paragraph read as follows?

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years to elect competent Presidents of the USA
therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
[;)] :D

Carbon-based biological unit.

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13 years 3 months ago #255312 by Isla

Valmai;233905 wrote: Errrr???
Following on from that other thread, shouldn't the second paragraph read as follows?

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years to elect competent Presidents of the USA
therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
[;)] :D

It was written by an Australian, what did you expect? [;)]

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13 years 3 months ago #255318 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Message From The Queen (to the US)
I'd vote for that! good stuff! :D

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13 years 3 months ago #255319 by moonshiner

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


Oh my lord, Liz forgot to mention milk last! :D

Nice.......


~

The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen. ~Tommy Smothers

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