Joke-prepare to pee yr pants girls

that is hillarious....good job i peed before reading it...that has to be the best joke by far to date...i have to send that to my friends....

heres another one, i think its been on here before but just incase you missed it

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
> plot as a Christmas gift.
>
> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him
> why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you
> last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
>
> I replied "Dust".
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
> not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
> 200 in about 3 seconds.
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>
>
> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
>
> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
> in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
>
>
>
> 'No,' she answered.
>
> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
>
> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
> would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
> girlfriend.
>
> I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
> years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> **************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
>
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
> just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
> HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
>
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
>
> And that's when the fight started......

ROFLPMP!!!!

Excellent! I've pinched them for my Facebook!

ere giv em back ya tart [:0][]

they are so funny the kids loved the dwarf one

devan you must share and don't be so shellfish! I'll put a hex on you!

As I get such a laugh from so many of these a rare chance to contribute.....

2 Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two
prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other
called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with
being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is
granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close
to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod
again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could
change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and,
lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back
to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's
so much better -- Hmmm).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he
couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend
changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the
reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now
a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your
dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.........

(You're going to love
this................................)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

that's good.!

Devan those were goodies - I've forwarded to my Mum! haha She will start fights with Dad I'm sure... well done, what inspiration! hahaha
Sundays x

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel ,
'but even in Heaven,
a Royal Flush beats a Pair -
no matter how big they are.

i have sent these to all my e-mail mates...so funny and thanks for making me smile first thing in the mornings..starts the day very well i have a very religious mate so i have sent her the shrimp one....lol....she has a great sence of humour too...

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,


'Land Mines.'




Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go) .... BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!