Joke-prepare to pee yr pants girls

More
13 years 4 months ago #16847 by devan
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop,and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and was in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be herbest day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

Anyhow she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffeeand a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to thehospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband'scondition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, yourhusband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as wellyou went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead.Show me what you bought.'


The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,and then they marry him.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251424 by Westermans
that is hillarious....good job i peed before reading it...that has to be the best joke by far to date...i have to send that to my friends....:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Multitasking is my speciality:-)
www.westermans.co.nz

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251431 by devan
heres another one, i think its been on here before but just incase you missed it :D

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
> plot as a Christmas gift.
>
> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him
> why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you
> last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
>
> I replied "Dust".
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
> not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
> 200 in about 3 seconds.
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>
>
> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
>
> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
> in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
>
>
>
> 'No,' she answered.
>
> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
>
> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
> would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
> girlfriend.
>
> I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
> years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> **************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
>
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
> just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
> HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
>
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
>
> And that's when the fight started......

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,and then they marry him.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251434 by bridgierapa
ROFLPMP!!!!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
13 years 4 months ago #251457 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Joke-prepare to pee yr pants girls
Excellent! I've pinched them for my Facebook! :D

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251468 by devan
ere giv em back ya tart [:0][;)] :D

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,and then they marry him.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251489 by Westermans
they are so funny the kids loved the dwarf one :)

Multitasking is my speciality:-)
www.westermans.co.nz

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • maggies mum
  • maggies mum's Avatar
13 years 4 months ago #251502 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic Joke-prepare to pee yr pants girls
devan you must share and don't be so shellfish! :-D I'll put a hex on you!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251522 by powerguy
As I get such a laugh from so many of these a rare chance to contribute.....

2 Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two
prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other
called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened
by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with
being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is
granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close
to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod
again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could
change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and,
lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back
to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's
so much better -- Hmmm).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he
couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend
changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the
reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now
a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your
dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.........

(You're going to love
this................................)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

Renewable power systems - hydro, wind and solar.
Grid tie and off grid (stand alone)
www.poweron.kiwi.nz

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251532 by witheze
that's good.!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251552 by sundaysbest
Devan those were goodies - I've forwarded to my Mum! haha She will start fights with Dad I'm sure... well done, what inspiration! hahaha
Sundays x

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251557 by organicltd
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Wine does not make you FAT it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251561 by organicltd
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel ,
'but even in Heaven,
a Royal Flush beats a Pair -
no matter how big they are.

Wine does not make you FAT it makes you LEAN...
....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251590 by Westermans
i have sent these to all my e-mail mates...so funny and thanks for making me smile first thing in the mornings..starts the day very well :) i have a very religious mate so i have sent her the shrimp one....lol....she has a great sence of humour too...

Multitasking is my speciality:-)
www.westermans.co.nz

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
13 years 4 months ago #251595 by Westermans





















Multitasking is my speciality:-)
www.westermans.co.nz

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Time to create page: 0.240 seconds