GOD HELP ME..teenagers GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

  • maggies mum
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15 years 7 months ago #218202 by maggies mum
Replied by maggies mum on topic GOD HELP ME..teenagers GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Eee you were lucky, we used to live int rolled up newspaper int middle o motoway! ;)

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15 years 7 months ago #218203 by Pumpkingirl

maggies mum;193100 wrote: Eee you were lucky, we used to live int rolled up newspaper int middle o motoway! ;)


You had newspaper?!?!?!?!? Lucky thing!

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15 years 7 months ago #218204 by Westermans
LR im right behind you there..lol..that made me laugh out loud and scare the dogs!!
Swaggie, trust me hubby and i are 100% together with dealing with the eldest teen, but there are little things that he need not know, otherwise i would be forever going she did this..oh now she did that...the big things i tell and trust me last night was a minor hickup :) she knows she did wrong, i do the no reaction method as she lOVES to push me until i explode..i dont do it very often but last night i was not in the mood for her crap...if she thinks she has a hard life then try living in my shoes for a month...see who has the hard time then..the trouble is they have no idea about how tough life is.
We used the 'Tough love' method 2 years ago when she was doing self harm..it was a really bad time for us all, i put her in the spare room with nothing but a bed in it! and told her until she could behave like a member of our family she would stay there...that worked so well, i do not shout anymore i just repeat 'go to your room' she hates it as i dont rect the way she wants...
last night she was screeming at me to leave her room just go..i knew whe was hurting and today i am sure will tell me what lead to it...but in the moment i wanted to kill her....i love her to tiny bits but she is hard work, the other teen...god sent her to me to make up for the first one :) a complete angel :)

Multitasking is my speciality:-)
www.westermans.co.nz

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15 years 7 months ago #218211 by max2
Good to hear you made it through the night Westermans![;)]

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15 years 7 months ago #218213 by sod
Not all Grrrrrr ones are girls our first is a woman now, dream to bring up next a boy both live in Wellington and she still runs around looking after him LAST one male Grrrrrrrrr now26 had to use tough love:confused: chuck him out:rolleyes:at 19 then go get and save him 3 times now they have moved here with house bus. Saving grace they have brought their loverly dogs with them.I would say tell father all things as ours learnt they could get round me (father) but not mum so to keep me save:rolleyes: I sent them to mum HEHE have faith the worst just grow up to be politicians(sp) :D

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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  • Toni - Northland
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15 years 7 months ago #218279 by Toni - Northland
Replied by Toni - Northland on topic GOD HELP ME..teenagers GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Westermans, if she is into door slamming, glue a wad of sponge foam on the top of her door, hopefully she won't see it and the next time she SLAMS it, it will bounce back.[}:)][}:)][}:)]

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15 years 7 months ago #218301 by rob
Westermans,
my heart does go out to you in your situation, we have been there, done that and the toughlove as well. it is hard to stay calm, as parents are supposed stay calm in situations like you are in just now.
it is hard for people to understand if they have not been through it as well. i wish i could give you some advice that would help but every case is different.
i would keep the rules very basic and dont make that many, write it out and give it to her and state that if these rules are not met, list the consequences and stick to it.
i think that you should bring your husband up to date on things so that there is no shock value when he gets home and it will show a united front.
good luck with things

Rob

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15 years 7 months ago #218314 by DiDi
Just an idea but if you want to keep your husband in the loop, how about keeping a Diary of the times he is away. The good, the bad, the ugly and write what is happening and how you feel. Do as you are doing in that you are not asking him to sweat the small stuff but if he has a better idea of what you are experiencing, feeling etc - that can only be good for your relationship.

I'm actually saying this with a good measure of hindsite and wishing I had done that before my ex and I walked such different paths, we lost sight of each other and our relationship. Mine was away for weeks on end or most of each week and he didn't ask so I didn't tell.

Having raised two girls, I agree with most of what the others say. My "discipline" method was to take away something that they really valued. The use of the phone (or mobile), grounding from going to parties etc. My reasoning as with others was that if you are not showing maturity, don't expect to be treated as a trusted young adult.

Mine both did the road trip thing at 16 during their school holidays because I believed I could trust them and I was right. Having said that, I was given one absolute angel and one of them who became abusive, self interested etc around 18-19!

I also like the "ignore" disipline message. Nothing to react too gets very boring very quickly when you have taken the phone, whatever and then just ignore the tantrums until they apologise genuinely. Ground for a week, same behaviour again earns two weeks etc. They get there...eventually! All he best.

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15 years 7 months ago #218370 by Kiwi303
Hmm... I don't have daughters :P but she does sound like a pretty typical teenager, I knew a number like that when at school.

I wasn't much better :P

You Live and Learn, or you don't Live Long -anon

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15 years 7 months ago #218387 by Angie
Westermans, I was a horrible nasty teenager only a few years ago and I still feel shame sometimes over the way I acted and spoke towards my mother. I can't offer any parenting advice, but I can remember clearly how I was feeling when I was 16.

When you're that age, you really cannot see beyond your self and your own little world. It's so frustrating because you feel like you're independant and able to take care of yourself (and feel like you should be allowed to); but you're not aware yet that lack of life experience means making stupid decisions. And all parents want is to protect you from doing just that.

For several years, I never saw my mother as anything but my 'keeper' and I resented her deeply. It seemed to me (in my selfish teenage mind) that all she ever did was STOP me from doing what I wanted to do. All I ever wanted was for her to sit down and TALK and LISTEN to me without judging me.

Temper tantrums etc about little things were a way of showing that I was clearly upset about something else... but it was ignored (as you have been advised to do by other people in this thread), and by geez it hurt. Yes I calmed down, but the bigger problem was never resolved.

Don't ASK her if she wants to talk about it (she'll say no, leave me alone). Just say "I really want to talk about what's been going on lately." Use the word "Important" cos teenagers love being important.

Not sure if this helps - but my mother and I have a fabulous relationship now that I'm in my twenties. I love her so very much and appreciate all that she's ever done for me (now that I'm old enough to realise it).

Echo Ridge - Dexters, Sheepies and Labradors

"Don't wait for the light to appear at the end of the tunnel. Stride down there and light the bl**dy thing yourself!" - Sarah Henderson

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15 years 7 months ago #218391 by Andrea1
Angie, those are some very wise words coming from your perspective of being a relatively recent teenager. I'm in my 40s and still remember how painful it was to be 16! It helps me with my 16-yr-old son and my soon-to-be-teenage daughter. I'm glad you have been able to go on and have a strong relationship with your parents.

I don't really have any more advice that others haven't already given, and while I tend to ignore the first ourbursts by number one son (he really seems to want to rile me when he is upset, then the shouting match, then he calms down; but the shouting matches are bad for my BP, so I don't rise to the occasion much anymoe, which REALLY bothered him at first, but he's finding other ways of dealing with it now), as soon as he gets a hold of himself, we'll talk about what's bothering him. That, more than anything else, has helped him mature. A couple of years ago, it took him hours to calm down. Now it only takes him a few minutes.

Andrea
Oxford

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15 years 7 months ago #218398 by diggs
Waddaya mean HER tv ??

Kapiti

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15 years 7 months ago #218423 by Seaside
Have you read 'Before your kids drive you insane, read this' by Nigel Latte? He's an excellent, humorous (NZ) writer, without the self-righteousness that you get in a lot of parenting books. After I read it, I felt like I was not alone and I used some of his strategies that worked. The book covers everything from babies to rampant teenagers. It's probably in your local library.

I agree that ignoring the hurtful words is the thing to do when everything turns to custard. Remember that words can only hurt you if you let them, and she's using them for maximum effect on purpose. (Just hope that she doesn't react by getting the chainsaw out). When things calm down, it would be good to re-bond with her, do something together (what are her interests?) and chat and hopefully you'll both feel a little better.

Our 3-year-old boy is going through the same thing (probably a similar life stage, when he *thinks* he's big enough to call the shots and hasn't figured out how to deal with not getting his own way). His way of dealing with a 'no' is to say "You're so so so so so so DUMB" (at least his language is milder than a teen's!). At first, we told him off, but that gave him the attention he craved and the bad mood would go on for ages. A couple of days ago, we just started ignoring him. If it's just me there, I start singing, if my husband is there we chat about things with each other over the top of the yelling. We've found that within minutes, he's back to a laughing cherub again.

My 7-year-old son also went through a hurtful language stage, he'd tell me that he hated me. Again, that was a phase that passed when he realised it didn't affect me, now he's a loving affectionate boy (until the hormones kick in in 7 years, I guess).

Good luck, and if all else fails, find something to distract yourself with (I fold the washing or play the piano). This parenting malarky can really bog you down sometimes, like walking on sinking sand with no Westpac helicopter coming to save you.

Kids, beasts, and chillies in Swannanoa South.
www.farmaway.co.nz

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15 years 7 months ago #218437 by sod
My mother always said she'd get her revenge when we had our kids and she lived to see it and laugh:D

Having time is a measure of enthusiasm:rolleyes:

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15 years 7 months ago #218455 by jen
So tricky with mothers and daughters.
My mother said she hoped I had kids that treated me the way I treated her. So I decided to pass on kids altogether. That said. I'm not qualified to give parenting advice, but I Was a teenager once and I didn't enjoy it so I'll say this anyway.

When someone is having a bad day.. don't ever tell them they don't know what its like to have a bad day! or they don't know how easy they have it. Boy oh boy you can bet your @ss that they will never EVER come to you with a problem after that. There is nothing worse then feeling like crap, only to have your parents try to invalidate your feelings. Its bad enough that they're having a hard time, they don't need their parents dumping on them and effectively belittling what they may be going through. It's really just kicking someone while they're down.

To a teenager, lots of things are really 'big deals' there are so many 'firsts' for teenagers that are as significant as the firsts when they're babies!(They're just not as cute or as obvious) Also, try to be rational and refuse to argue, try to see it from their perspective so you can understand how to deal with it, give them some space so long as they behave like human beings! Cut them off from an outbust by asking them.. whats really going on here (ie: reality check). They might not tell you, but at least they'll realise that their venting isn't approriate.

Step back, cool off, and when you're ready tell them what they did that was unacceptable (like name calling or outbusts are uncalled for, by either party!!). In other words, treat them a little like you'd treat any other human being that you aren't necessarily related to. Don't yell and scream and bring up the past and stamp around the house for a week (either party!)

As far as reconciliation goes, don't go ballistic have a massive fight and then come back saying how sorry you are and how much you 'looooooooooove' them and you don't want to fight, and then continue to carry on the same pattern of behaviour. Just don't fight in the first place! Or if you do then at least stand your ground. My mother used to go crazy and lose the plot yelling at me with me. I had to behave like the grown up and tell her I wasn't going to yell and scream for nothing since we weren't getting anywhere and if she wanted to talk about it she should calm down and we could talk! (this was only in extreme circumstances, I know that sounds infuriating, she really did lose the plot and carry on yelling to the point where she forgot what we were supposed to arguing about!)

I had to give her the 'no reaction' treatment sometimes. (Which I also got slammed for - "Have you no feelings!!!") Not nice. So sometimes, the parents can be part of the solution, and sometimes they can be part of the problem.

Lay down some ground rules for acceptable behaviour.. the most important being that there is never EVER any excuse for being rude to anyone (relative or not) You'd be amazed at how much crap gets cleared up just by everyone respecting that. When someone is rude, point it out (but not by being rude back!) It's hard at first, but it really does work. Swearing? its rude, name calling.. also rude, outbursts .. rude, the list goes on. A simple "you're obviously not happy, please don't be rude about it... what's up?"

jen (returned to townie life)
community.webshots.com/user/j_nepton

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