Friday funnies - help cheer up a gloomy day

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

[}]

C'mon people add some more, we all need a laugh!

Vicar's Salary

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area , stands up and proclaims:

"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here,

I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, " F#!k the Vicar ".

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.