monday funny

Two boys are playing with a rugby ball on the street outside Eden Park,when one is attacked by a vicious rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took a stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping the attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

'Young Warrior Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal,' he starts writing in his notebook.

'But I'm not a Warriors fan,' the little hero replied.

'Sorry, since we are in Auckland, I just assumed you were,' said the reporter and starts again.

'All Black Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,....' he continued writing in his notebook.

'I'm not an All Black fan either!' the boy said.

'I assumed everyone in Auckland was either for the Warriors or the All Blacks. So what team DO you root for?' the reporter asked.

'I'm a Roosters and Wallaby fan!', the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

'Little Bastard from Australia Kills Beloved Family Pet'

[}]

How true [}]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden
in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

:D:Dlove it

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

A woman is having an affairwhile her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet in the dark.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice.'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The father says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm goingto take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

hahahahhahahahah

HAHAHAHA dark in hereLOL

- Thats a goody !

I got this e-mail today

Dad at the mall:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and f * cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - suggested by Mr. KVL 741Y

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

sounds good ideas (place Tui saying here!!):D

Apocryphal Metaphors from Student Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
3. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
5. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
6. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
7. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
8. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
9. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
11. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
14. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
15. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
16. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
20. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
21. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
22. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
23. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
25. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
26. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Thank you jojo both Mrs M and I have officially wet ourselves [][]